None Footy - Jokes Thread

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a woman meets a man at the bar after the game and ends up going back to his place at the end of the night.When they enter his bedroom,she's surprised to find that his walls are lined with hundreds of teddy bears of all different sizes.

"Wow",says the woman."It's nice to meet a man who's so sensitive"

They proceed to make passionate love, and after finally climaxing, the woman rolls off the guy and ask's "Well,how was it"?

"Terrific",he replies,"You can take any prize from the bottom shelf"

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One for the ladies....

What is the difference between men and government bonds? ( or some from E1)

The bonds mature
 
Bloke goes to the doctors and says 'I've got a bad back'

Doc says 'How did you manage to hurt it?'

Bloke says 'I was having sex doggy-style'.

Doc says 'Well, have you thought about the missionary position?'

Bloke says 'yes, I've tried that, but he keeps licking my face'
 
midlands_tiger said:
2 pieces of Tarmac are sat in a pub discussing who's the hardest, another piece of Tarmac walks in. One piece of Tarmac turned round to the other and says "I wouldn't mess with him he's a cyclepath"
Click to expand...

A Strong Mint and a Polo are sat in a pub discussing who's the hardest, when a Locket walks in. One mint turned to the other and says "I wouldn't mess with him he's ****ing menthol".
 
Who named Trojan condoms?

The Trojan horse entered through the city gates, broke open and loads of little guys came out and fu*ked everyone's day up.Doesn't fill me with confidence.
 
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."
 
This one is a bit sick!

What's the difference between a lorry load of marbles and a lorry load of babies? You cant't unload marbles with a pitchfork.

What's pink, red & silver and can't turn round in a corridor? A baby with a javelin through it's head.
 
originallambrettaman said:
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."
Click to expand...


Ha, Sickipedia much? :emoticon-0110-tongu
 
A frog went into the local bank & hopped onto a chair at the desk of Patty Black the Loan Officer.
"Well Mr Frog what can I do for you?" she enquired
The frog answered "I'm here to apply for a loan"
Miss Black knew he was not elligible for a loan but decided to humour him
"Very well, let's fill out the forms - name?"
"Mr Frog"
"Mr Frog, in oder to obtain a loan you must have collateral"
The frog reached into his pocket and brought out a tiny porcelain unicorn.
"Here you are" he said "I've got collateral right here.Take this to your Supervisor I'm sure he'll ok the loan"
Miss Black went into her Supervisors office and said
"There's a frog at my desk asking for a loan and he's given me this as collateral. I don't even know what it is"
The Supervisor tooka look and said
"It's a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan"...........
 
An old man & his grandson went into a bookies. The boy asks his grandpa if he could put a bet on.
"If you can touch ur arse with ur dick, u can have a bet." says grandad.
"I can't" says lad.
"Well, ur not old enough then."
So the boy goes next door, buys a scratch card & wins £50,000! He told his grandpa, who suggested they split the winnings 50-50.
"Can you touch your arse with your dick?" asks the boy.
"Yes!" shouts grandpa.
"Well, go **** yourself!"
 
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
 
I met a dyslexic Yorkshireman the other day. He had a cat flap on his head.

Have you heard about the new dyslexic bible? It's the God's Bollocks.
 
A bloke comes home from work to find his wife dead in the washing machine. He's obviously distraught but at least he knows she died in comfort
 
RogerMellyspeaks said:
A frog went into the local bank & hopped onto a chair at the desk of Patty Black the Loan Officer.
"Well Mr Frog what can I do for you?" she enquired
The frog answered "I'm here to apply for a loan"
Miss Black knew he was not elligible for a loan but decided to humour him
"Very well, let's fill out the forms - name?"
"Mr Frog"
"Mr Frog, in oder to obtain a loan you must have collateral"
The frog reached into his pocket and brought out a tiny porcelain unicorn.
"Here you are" he said "I've got collateral right here.Take this to your Supervisor I'm sure he'll ok the loan"
Miss Black went into her Supervisors office and said
"There's a frog at my desk asking for a loan and he's given me this as collateral. I don't even know what it is"
The Supervisor tooka look and said
"It's a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan"...........
Click to expand...

Make the Frog's name Kermit Jagger, and the final line becomes, 'it's a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan, his old man's a rolling stone
 
Daughter: Hey mum i'm going to my room with my boyfriend.

Mum: Okay don't do anything stupid.

*.Gf & Bf go into bedroom.*

Daughter screams: Baby, baby, baby ohh!

*.Mum runs into her room.*

Mum: What are you doing!?!?!?!?

Daughter: Mum were having sex, get out!

Mum: Oh thank god i thought you were listening to justin bieber.
 
I just got back from Vietnam.
One night i ordered a prostitute to my room for 8pm.
She didn't turn up till 11pm.
She loved me wrong time!
 
Paddy and Murphy went to London yesterday to donate Sperm. It was a disaster. Paddy missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus.

Paddy and Mick walk into a pub and get their pack lunches out. The Barman tells them 'you can't eat your own food in here'. So they swap the pack lunches round.
 
A girl goes into a bar and asks for an example of double entendre, so the barman gives her one.
 
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