None Footy - Jokes Thread

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J

Jobboshinpad

Active Member
Jan 26, 2011
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Please feel free to pass on any jokes youve got, i'll start:

Women weight lifter goes to see her doctor,

Doctor, I've been taking steroids and I've grown a cock!

Doctor says, Anabolic?

Women, no just a cock!
 
I was shagging a blind bird the other day, and she said, "You've got the biggest cock I've ever felt."
I said, "you're pulling my leg."
 
My brother sent this great one (I've cleaned it up for filter purposes).

Phil and Ian are going for a walk in the woods. Ian says "I really need a number 2 but I've not got any loo roll".

Phil asks "Have you got a fiver? If so use that". Ian replies "I have, thanks Phil that's a great idea!"

10 minutes later Ian reapperas with the brown stuff caked all up his arms.

"What the hell happened to you?" asks Phil

"You try wiping your bum with four pound coins and a two fifty pence pieces"
 
EA Sports are considering an update for Fifa 11. This update will prevent women from picking up the controller by having Andy Gray come out of the screen and shout "Oi you! Get back in the Kitchen!"
 
The RSPCA have acted quickly after the weekend's events in Newcastle .

If you see an Arsenal fan with a dog ask them to call 0859 4-0 4-1 4-2 4-3 4-4 for free advice about how to hold on to a lead.
 
God visits a man and tells him that if he ever wants to get into heaven, then he's got to give up sex.
The man says he really wants to get into heaven so he'll try and give it up.
God visits him again a few weeks later to see how he's getting on....
Not bad! says the fella, I've managed to give up smoking, I've even given up drinking, but unfortunately when the wife bent over the freezer the other day I just couldn't help myself and I shagged her up the arse!!!
God says ''They don't like that up in heaven'', fella says '' They're not too ****ing happy about it in Morrisons either''!!!
 
Teacher asks her pupils "does anyone know where Pakistan is?"

Johhny says "I don't think he's back from dinner yet Miss".
 
Thor is sat on a cloud and thinks....I could fancy a bit of earthly pleasure. So he transformed into a man, the body of a heavyweight and the face of a movie star....then swept down to earth.
He found a woman drawing water from a well, turned on the charm, took her to a hay loft.

They made love for 2 days and 2 nights, and on the evening of the 2nd day Thor put on on his cloak, span round dramatically and said
"I must go now - for I am Thor"

The woman replied "You're Thor! YOU'RE THOR! I CAN BARELY THTAND!"
 
Newsflash: Two Asian brothers were killed when they fell through a frozen pond in Birmingham. ITV are to make a documentary about a third brother who survived the ordeal:
Dan Singh On Ice will be screened in the spring...
 
Tottenham's bids to sign David Beckham and Phil Neville failed after they missed the transfer deadline.

By 7 years.
 
I'd like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those bastar ds are hiding something delicious in there I know it."
 
2 females talking,ist woman, asks "why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,caring and good looking"?

her friend replys "they already have boyfriends"
 
Bloke tries to get on a bus in Leicester, the driver turns round and says "sorry sir I am ram-jam-full", the bloke says "I didn't ask for your name I want to get on the bus"

2 pieces of Tarmac are sat in a pub discussing who's the hardest, another piece of Tarmac walks in. One piece of Tarmac turned round to the other and says "I wouldn't mess with him he's a cyclepath"

This one may be a bit harsh and I will remove if it causes offence just let me know

What's pink and gathers dust? Madeline Mcann's pushbike.
 
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