I've been on the Mars Planet Mining Station for the last month. So, fill me in on where we are. Has Brucie tied up all his transfer dealings - what with just a couple of weeks to go before the Prem. we must be in ship shape, game plans, players buzzing, a great sense of comraderie, hell, the new American owners pumping the green backs in, concessions reinstated, club name reinstated on shirts, logos, badges, souvenirs. It must be brilliant. We just might scrape it and get that 17th spot and build on and upwards for 2017/18. So give me a teaser, what new players did we bring in - have they been excellent in pre-season, gelling with the established guys?
Welcome back, before I get you up to speed, a friendly word of advice. If you were to shorten your company name to, say, mars bar mineral mining drilling and excavation company tiger tiger tiger. You'd be a universal brand and would have all games beamed to you via one of patties imaginary links, plus all Martians would support city, then the club could kick on with phase two and annexe the moon, as I suspect our owners have strong links with the moon!
Right, the manager, Steve Bruce. Where to start. Well , erm , yes um, well he's f***ed off!
Can't blame him really, he's been offered a job at Siemens , he's always been interested in manufacturing wind turbines, right place right time an all that. Pays not great, but there's plenty of overtime and he gets every other Saturday off.
But fear not. Ehab is searching the globe for a replacement. Martinez, Ronald McDonald a bloke from costa coffee and the manager at pound land have told him to rub the job in his ever diminishing Egyptian hair. Patty was refused the job as both the allams felt uncomfortable with his ankles sticking out of their arses. So the hunt continues.
Regarding new players, to be honest there has been a slight hiccup. Although I am reliably informed ehab is in negotiations with a Pakistani school boy from Newcastle , who has in his possession a cardboard cut out of Alan Shearer. His plan is to mount this on a genuine Egyptian flying carpet.
The rest of the squad is black n white, either your injured or not, think it's 60/40.
We definitely have eight fit players for the opener against the champions. Which should be fine if we manage to sign shearer as ehab will loan the club two marine generators to pack the midfield .
The Americans, well they're currently back in America , where they're putting a bid together to takeover north Ferriby.
I really must close now as my medication is due and the nice wardens want my crayons back.
Yes , the two blokes in the next cell do speak Egyptian .
Apologies to anyone who has wasted two minuets of their life reading this drivel, but it makes me feel better