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Jokes
- Thread starter ellandback
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Walked into the bedroom the other day, only to find the wife laid there lifeless and dead.
After the initial shock I thought well might as well have one last go, after a short while the wife opened her eyes and shouted BOO!!
Honestly, some people are just fkg sick in the head.
After the initial shock I thought well might as well have one last go, after a short while the wife opened her eyes and shouted BOO!!
Honestly, some people are just fkg sick in the head.
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Went out on the works Christmas do last night, we got talking to a lad in accounts who has a terrible stutter. Anyway he started telling us about his nana, by the end of it, we were all singing Hey Jude.
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My wife got took into hospital, I ask them how is she?, they said she's critical.
I told them that's normal she's always
Complaining about something
I told them that's normal she's always
Complaining about something
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I heard today that 1in 5 Millennials can't tell the time and it reminded me of this Dave Allen piece. Very funny
Thta's not fair to millenials, they can tell the time
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Late the other night a knock came on the door, when I opened the door there were two cops stood there!!!
We are sorry to inform you sir but it your wife!! It looks as tho a bus has hit her!!!
I know guys, but she takes it up the arse and the kids like her I replied.
We are sorry to inform you sir but it your wife!! It looks as tho a bus has hit her!!!
I know guys, but she takes it up the arse and the kids like her I replied.
My girlfriend dumped me recently because she said I'm obsessed with The Monkees.
I didn't believe her at first but then I saw her face
I didn't believe her at first but then I saw her face
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One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer. All the other men in the bar looked at him and the barman asked, "You're not from around here, are you sir?"
"No," replied the man, "I am from London."
"So, boyo," said the barman, "What do you do for a living then?"
"I'm a taxidermist." replied the man.
"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them then?"
"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."
The barman then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's ok lad's, he's one of us!"
"No," replied the man, "I am from London."
"So, boyo," said the barman, "What do you do for a living then?"
"I'm a taxidermist." replied the man.
"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them then?"
"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."
The barman then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's ok lad's, he's one of us!"
In other news, Welsh scientists have found two new uses for sheep.
Meat and wool.
Meat and wool.
A Scouser and a black man are in Greggs, the black man steals 3 pies and puts them in his pocket, he then brags to the Scouser, "yo man did you see how good I am, the staff never saw a thing" .. The Scouser says "that's **** all La' watch this" turns to the cashier and asks for 3 pies, I'll show you some magic, he then eats the 3 pies in front of the cashier.... the cashier says, "that's not magic, ok replies the Scouser, look in the black fellas pockets then!!
What's the difference between a light on and a hard on?
You can go to sleep with a light on....
You can go to sleep with a light on....
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation.............
She never got your email!"
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation.............
She never got your email!"