A nun is in the bath. There is a knock on the bathroom door. "Who's there?" nervously says the nun. "A blind man" says the man outside. "Oh. In that case, come in my dear." says the nun. The blind man opens the door and goes in and says "Nice tits. Where shall I hang the blinds?"
An old football player was dying. So he called her wife and told her: "My dearest you see I'm dying. May you confess how many times you have done betrays against me during your life?" Her spouse said: "Forgive me, my dear, only 3 times: 1. Do you remember it was so difficult to admit you as a football player in the team? So I went to the couch and did something. That was the cause for you to be a player in the team. 2. Do you remember when you entered the team no body didn't pass you? I went to 10 others players so they changed a friendly treatment during half times. 3. Do you remember during matching nobody of 30000 viewers didn't encourage you? I did something..."
I was in the park with my dog when I saw a bloke walking towards me, "Excuse me, " I said, "I'm curious, how will you vote in the election?" "Conservative, " he replied, "can't trust Labour. " With that, my dog bit him, So I carried on and saw another chap and asked him the same question, "Always tory, " he said, got to keep the workers in their place. " With that, my dog bit him as well. So I carried on and met a woman and asked her how she was going to vote in the election, "Labour, " she replied, "the only party to be honest, fair and just. " With her reply my dog bit her as well. I learned something today. My dog doesn't give a **** about politics.
I'm going trick or treating around Bradford tonight putting the ****s up everyone.. I'll be knocking on people's doors dressed as an immigration officer.
Took the wife today to the doctors to try and sort her Tourette’s out, the results that came back and stated she does not have it!!!! so I am a cnut and she really does want me to fck off.
It's my scouse nephews birthday tomorrow, so I've decided to treat him, I've slipped £20 in his nans' purse.
It's my mate's birthday tomorrow. He's got to spend it on the Customer Service desk at M&S. I wished him many happy returns I was watching TV with my girlfriend when she stood up and said, "I think I'm going to be sick." When I went to check I caught her blowing the dog. What do short people use to clean their hands? Dwarfega At a first aid course in Liverpool the teacher told me to lay down like I'm injured and close my eyes. When I got up my wallet and watch were gone. I might be a pessimist but what if mine is one of the 2 out of 10 cats? My Iraqi neighbour keeps telling me about Islam. He must really love that little sheep. A man wakes up hearing someone playing "the last post" downstairs. He says to his wife, "I think we've got Buglers." And relax
thus is true, but it amused me my brother’s girlfriend’s mum chopped her finger off recently in an accident. they sent her a condolences card saying ‘sorry for your loss’ She took it in good spirit apparently.
One of my neighbours had an accident with his motor mower. Slipped and his feet went under the blades severing both his big toes. I picked up his toes ( with tongs) put then in a plastic bag with ice and saw him off tp the hospital. They managed to re-attach his toes but put them on the wrong feet. Now he has permanent mix a matoeses. (Oh, sh*t, did I really do that?)
"Hi, doctor I have an obsession with supermarkets. "I see, how long have you had this obsession" "Ever since I was Lidl"
