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Jokes

Discussion in 'Leeds United' started by ellandback, Jun 25, 2019.

  1. brisbane-lion

    brisbane-lion Well-Known Member

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    Sorry, Eire, got this from another site, hadn't seen yours. <doh>
     
    #41
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  2. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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    You could put it down to the 9 hour time difference?
     
    #42
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  3. Ringo Lion

    Ringo Lion Pumpkin

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    Man to Librarian "Do you have the new book about small penises? "
    Librarian "It's Not In Yet".
    Man ." Yes ! That's the one ".
     
    #43
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  4. patb

    patb Well-Known Member

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    I thought my wife was joking when she said she was leaving me because I was obsessed with The Monkees. Then I saw her face.
     
    #44
  5. patb

    patb Well-Known Member

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    How do you find Will Smith in the snow… Look for the fresh prints
     
    #45
  6. patb

    patb Well-Known Member

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    I used to date a girl with a lazy eye but it turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
     
    #46
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  7. Eric Le Merde

    Eric Le Merde Well-Known Member

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    option 3
     
    #47
  8. patb

    patb Well-Known Member

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    My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
     
    #48
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  9. patb

    patb Well-Known Member

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    My wife woke me last night and said "I think there's a burglar in the house!" So I went downstairs and checked every room. There was no one there. And then I suddenly remembered: I haven't got a wife.
     
    #49
  10. patb

    patb Well-Known Member

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    My girlfriend came home and asked me what I was doing in the wardrobe. I said "Narnia business!"
     
    #50
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  11. patb

    patb Well-Known Member

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    A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup”
     
    #51
  12. patb

    patb Well-Known Member

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    Joss sticks . . . they incense me.
     
    #52
  13. Gessa

    Gessa Well-Known Member

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    My wife as just told me she's leaving me because I think more about horse racing than I do of her.

    I'm looking out of the window, she's at the gate and she's off.
     
    #53
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  14. Ringo Lion

    Ringo Lion Pumpkin

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    My wife told me too leave because of my obsession with Only Fools and Horses, I said "ok I'll fetch my suitcase from the van".
     
    #54
  15. Eric Le Merde

    Eric Le Merde Well-Known Member

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    A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
    As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
    More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.
    Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter


    how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
    After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
    'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
    'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
    The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
    The Banker looks down in horror.
    "BLOODY HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...
     
    #55
  16. Eireleeds1

    Eireleeds1 Well-Known Member

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  17. Whitejock

    Whitejock Well-Known Member

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    Is that an instruction or a question? <whistle>
     
    #57
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  18. Eric Le Merde

    Eric Le Merde Well-Known Member

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    Two good ol' boys in an Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd,

    "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?

    The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says,

    "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
     
    #58
  19. blonogasoven

    blonogasoven Well-Known Member

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    :)
     

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    #59
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  20. Eireleeds1

    Eireleeds1 Well-Known Member

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    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

    She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

    “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

    “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

    “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

    “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
     
    #60

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