Jokes

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An old football player was dying. So he called her wife and told her: "My dearest you see I'm dying. May you confess how many times you have done betrays against me during your life?"

Her spouse said: "Forgive me, my dear, only 3 times:

1. Do you remember it was so difficult to admit you as a football player in the team? So I went to the couch and did something. That was the cause for you to be a player in the team.

2. Do you remember when you entered the team no body didn't pass you? I went to 10 others players so they changed a friendly treatment during half times.

3. Do you remember during matching nobody of 30000 viewers didn't encourage you? I did something..."
 
I was in the park with my dog when I saw a bloke walking towards me, "Excuse me, " I said, "I'm curious, how will you vote in the election?" "Conservative, " he replied, "can't trust Labour. "

With that, my dog bit him, So I carried on and saw another chap and asked him the same question, "Always tory, " he said, got to keep the workers in their place. " With that, my dog bit him as well. So I carried on and met a woman and asked her how she was going to vote in the election, "Labour, " she replied, "the only party to be honest, fair and just. " With her reply my dog bit her as well. I learned something today.

My dog doesn't give a **** about politics.
 
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It's my mate's birthday tomorrow. He's got to spend it on the Customer Service desk at M&S.
I wished him many happy returns

I was watching TV with my girlfriend when she stood up and said, "I think I'm going to be sick."
When I went to check I caught her blowing the dog.

What do short people use to clean their hands?
Dwarfega

At a first aid course in Liverpool the teacher told me to lay down like I'm injured and close my eyes.
When I got up my wallet and watch were gone.

I might be a pessimist but what if mine is one of the 2 out of 10 cats?

My Iraqi neighbour keeps telling me about Islam.
He must really love that little sheep.

A man wakes up hearing someone playing "the last post" downstairs. He says to his wife, "I think we've got Buglers."

And relax
 
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thus is true, but it amused me

my brother’s girlfriend’s mum chopped her finger off recently in an accident.

they sent her a condolences card saying ‘sorry for your loss’

She took it in good spirit apparently.
 
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One of my neighbours had an accident with his motor mower. Slipped and his feet went under the blades severing both his big toes. I picked up his toes ( with tongs) put then in a plastic bag with ice and saw him off tp the hospital. They managed to re-attach his toes but put them on the wrong feet. Now he has permanent mix a matoeses. (Oh, sh*t, did I really do that?)
 
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brisbane-lion said:
One of my neighbours had an accident with his motor mower. Slipped and his feet went under the blades severing both his big toes. I picked up his toes ( with tongs) put then in a plastic bag with ice and saw him off tp the hospital. They managed to re-attach his toes but put them on the wrong feet. Now he has permanent mix a matoeses. (Oh, sh*t, did I really do that?)
Click to expand...
Close the door on the way out, and DON"T FORGET YOUR COAT !!!!!!!!
 
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