Jokes

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When I arrive at the Pearly Gates, Roger, I'm not going to request entry, I'm going to ask for a seat and sit and wait for you to arrive. I want to see the look on your face when St Peter asks you if you have been the cause of all the thunder and lightening.

 

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Had a blazing row with the Mrs regarding spicing up our sex life I just said why don't you shave your ****......woke up this morning bald

 

It was that rough were I grew up I was walking to school one morning n a voice said ow Roge ya snotty posh bastard u wanna fight. No I said pick on sum 1 else vicar.

 

My wife reckons I'm dead tight, so to prove her wrong I took her out for tea and biscuits
It was quite exciting as she's never given blood before

 

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the guy at our local indian takeaway suffers from a bipolar disorder he's called...mahmood swingh

 

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal;
-Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.

Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles.

With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced;
-We have a brave winner.

After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;
-I didn't jump, someone pushed me!

His wife smiled ...

Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."

 

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I was having a cuppa with the wife this morning and she saved me from choking to death on a custard cream.
She'd f*cking eaten them all.

 

the neighbours wife has left him because of his constant obsession for wanting italian food at every meal, he said he's feeling a bit cannelloni right now

 

An elderly couple, both whose spouses had died, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
He sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'

 

Due to Low profit margins Marks & Spencers are to merge with Poundstretcher.

The new stores will be called StretchMarks...

 

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