Jokes

I'm not being paranoid, but there are 5 Peruvian owls standing on my fence, watching me through the kitchen window.

I'm sure that they're Inca hoots !

 

a woman goes to the doctor with concerns over her hubby's temper, the doc says "when he gets angry just have a glass of water,don't swallow it just swill it around" the woman tries the tip for a week and goes back to the doc. "unbelievable doctor it worked a treat,but how can that be, my hubby just calmly walked away after a minute" the doc replied it's nothing to do with the water,it's keeping your mouth shut that does it"

 

my neighbour had an extreme phobia of walking under chestnut trees, i think he finally conkered it

 

If you're wondering why Muslim
terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's have a look at the evidence:

- No Christmas
- No television
-No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
You cook over burning camel ****- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no Sh*t Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse.

 

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that costa coffee went straight through me

 

Richard carpenter has brought out a new song an old hollies hit... "She ain't heavy she's my sister"

 

thought they would be playing the arse organ as they are all arseholes

 

Went for an accountancy position interview the other day and the H.R. head said at the end can you describe yourself in just three words, I said " good with numbers"

 

The worst thing about being a Giraffe is having so much time to consider your mistakes as you're sinking into quicksand.

 

my mrs came stumbling into the kitchen the worse for wear after a boozy session with the girls, she announced "i wanna get dirty,and i wanna do something i'd never normally do".......i replied "look at yourself drunk as a skunk, you're in no fit state to clean the oven"

 

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That's a right set of armpits