A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
A woman goes to prison to visit her husband who has just been sentenced to 40 years in jail. As soon as she enters the visiting room, she hugs him and exclaims with tears in her eyes: – “Oh! Roger, 40 years, Roger.?” And the husband replies: “Well, my love, what are you going to do?” “Oh, Roger …! I spoke to the judge handling your case,” “And what did he say, my love?” “He told me that for every time I make love with him, he will reduce your prison sentence by one year …” “What !!! What a miserable bastard and what did you say to that son of a bitch? ” ” Oh, Roger! We’ll talk about it at home, pick up your stuff, let’s go… !!! “
Bob pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired. “Last week,” Bob explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman, the postman, the paperboy, the UPS man, and several of the neighborhood guys came by, she’d run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, “My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”
Last night I was out for a few drinks and a meal. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many beers and then went onto the wine, finishing with coffee and brandy. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I’ve never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from. Now it’s parked outside my house and I don’t know what to do with it!
Putin walks up to immigration in Iran. The agent asks: Name? Putin says: Vladimir. The agent asks: Occupation? Putin responds: No, I’m only visiting....
with the new variant of corona supposedly soaring again, i called into my next door neighbour a sweet 90 year old to see if she was o.k. i took some soup, a ready meal and half a bottle of whisky hopefully she won't notice they're missing
When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course" he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there". The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the co-ed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy". "I would, too" the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"
