A Chelsea fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It"s my first wife"s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt" But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again. The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks. "Please tie the Scouser to my back."
A guy goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, I'm getting married next week, but I have had unprotected sex a couple of times lately. Before our marriage, I'd like to know if I have an STD; could you do a test for me?' 'Sure', the doctor says, 'but the result of such a test takes 3 weeks, so it will not be in time for your marriage' 'Oh dear', the guy says, 'What should I do?' 'Well, the doctor replies, 'Perhaps I know something. You go to the meadows just outside the city, and wait till the sheep have gathered around you. Then you drop your pants and wait to see what happens... If the sheep just smell your dick and walk away, there is a problem. However, if they take your dick in their mouths and start sucking it, you're OK!' After a few weeks the doctor runs into the guy. 'And...', he asks, 'can I congratulate you on your marriage?' 'No', the guy says, 'I've become a shepherd!'
A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit. Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you." Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Man: "It's been 10 years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette. Man: "Thank you so much!" Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?" Man: "It's been 10 years!" The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of 12 year old malt whisky and gives the man a drink. Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!" Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?" Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"
Can you believe it? My Income Tax return form has been sent back to me because, in response to question 4, "Do you have anyone dependant on you?", I replied :"2.1 million Illegal Immigrants, 1.1 million Crackheads, 4.4 million Unemployable Jeremy Kyle Nation Scroungers, 900,000 Criminals in over 85 Prisons, Plus 650 Idiots in Parliament and the Whole of the European Commission." They said this was not an acceptable answer! So, who the hell did I miss out then?.......
one thing i do know about women is that they have no idea how to chat up a bloke, i mean as if "piss off you ugly loser" is going to get me into the sack
Was in the pub last night and someone was giving Mo Farah a bit of stick, I had to say give him some credit he's the only Somalian to get gold without using a speedboat and a Kalashnikov
My father was a very skilled joiner, so naturally, I followed in his footsteps. Between us we've got eighteen gym memberships and thirty two library cards.
my cousin in italy has fallen on hard times and has resorted to escort work and "other work" unfortunately she says she feels like a pastatute
