Jokes

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GOVERNMENT NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

· This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

· Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

· Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

· A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

· Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

· Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

· Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens.

· Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.

Sincerely,




The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to the Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

 

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data shows that if you put all the cars sold last year nose to tail in a line some **** in a bmw would pull out and try to overtake them all

 

i was hoping to manage a decent time at this year's marathon, around the three hour mark but only managed 20 minutes as i got fed up and changed the tv over

 

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

 

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of
him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't
know what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He
thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost
again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry
to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole
I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on
13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked
if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they
were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales."
He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know
what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.
She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper.
........I'm still one hole behind you."

 

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Spilt my red wine over that one. Brilliant.

 

most tragic headline this week....."suicidal irish twin kills brother by mistake"

 

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Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

 

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