Jokes

My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.
Ten minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"
I said, "Because we're still in Liverpool..

 

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Jeez, mate, you'll be knocking on heaven's gate for a long while before they let you in.

 

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Two blondes were in a car park trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes sports with a coat hanger.
They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't!
The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath.
The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

 

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anybody fancy a cheesy finger before the showers

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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that the wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries.

 

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Reminds me of a mate who went on a course in the 80s. On the last afternoon they were issued with a multi-page questionnaire / instruction booklet. The lecturer left them to it & disappeared. No-one was at all happy about this. My mate, being a pedant, read through the booklet & discovered that the last instruction was to ignore the rest of the paper & to come down to join the lecturer in the bar for a pint. After an angry shout of: "**** this, I don't care if I fail", my mate flounced out & hit the bar. Both he & the lecturer were smashed before the last person joined them. True story, btw.

 

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Old sea-side post card: THIMK

 

Boris Johnson was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Johnson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy.

A little boy stood up and said, 'If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Boris, 'That would merely be an accident.'

A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', said Boris, 'That's what we would call a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Boris searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Boris, 'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a ****ing accident either'

 

A little girl, about 4 years old, is out playing in her garden, and is fascinated by the house that's being built in the plot next door. The builders see her watching them, and she's so cute they ask if she'd like to help them. Eagerly she grabs her little toy wheelbarrow and squeezes through a gap in the fence.

The builders are really fond of her, and make her feel really important, pushing a couple of bricks around in her little wheelbarrow, helping to sort nails and screws, that sort of thing. At tea break, they invite her into the port-a-cabin and share their sandwiches with her. This goes on all week, and she's really enjoying being a builder.

On Friday they get their pay packets, and they each fish out a bit of small change, put it into a brown envelope, and give her "wages" to her.

Proudly, she shows her mum. "Look mummy, I've been working all week and I've earned some wages !"
"That's lovely", says her mum, "Will you be working again next week ?"

"Yes", says the little girl. "Well, as long as those useless ****s at Jewsons pull their fingers out of their arses and deliver the ****ing bricks on time".

 

Oldie but goodie.
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea. Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

 

I went to a fish restaurant last night and ordered the Octopus.
The waiter said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
I replied, "Why?"
He said, "Because it keeps turning the gas off!"

 

Bill, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day" replied Bill.
"I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"
Bill replied: "Wrong room."