Jokes

A man walked into a fish and chip shop carrying a large fish under his arm.
"Have you got any fish cakes?" he asked the man behind the counter.
"No, mate, we don't".'
"Pity that, it's his birthday".

 

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Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.""feck that" says Mick have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

 

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Dave woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, and when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.... I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

 

I was eating a burger when a lady come by with a salad. She said you know that a cow died so you could eat that. I said if you weren't eating all its food it probably wouldn't have

 

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it? He said he'd offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

 

https://t.me/UnityNewsNetwork/5201

Not funny Southgate exposed.

 

Exposed

 

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives ...
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

 

Treated myself to strawberries at lunchtime. Strangely enough the pack had serving instructions, so I followed them:
Wash and halve fruit
Sprinkle with sugar
Pile cream on top
Serve
I have to say pile cream tastes bloody awful on strawberries.

 

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So this bloke staggers exhausted into his house.
"What's wrong with you?" asks his wife.
"I thought I'd save my £2 bus fare by running behind the bus" gasps the man.
"You idiot" says his wife.
"If you'd run home behind a taxi you could've saved £15!"

 

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Bollocks they don't!!

 

look like a pair of Aussie ones for Shelia's to get wet over, or the Aussie trick of 2 tennis balls,as the ladies say less than a handful is a waste

 

Mate of mine tried the trick of putting a couple down his dax to attract the ladies. No joy! Then he tried putting them down the front. Much better.

 

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