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Jokes

Discussion in 'Leeds United' started by ellandback, Jun 25, 2019.

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  1. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    Just before they lifted off, the pilot of the balloon boasted...."I am the greatest balloon pilot in the country, probably the world, so I can assure you that you couldn't be in safer hands."

    His passengers in the basket were mightily impressed, some even breaking into applause.

    "Yes"....he continued...."I can fly in the thickest of fogs, and the lowest and densest cloud, and still manage to judge an accurate height of just 6 feet above the ground."

    There's always one sceptic, and one of his passengers challenged him, saying...."Look down there, then! Cloud as thick as soup and the densest of ground mist or fog! Get us down there if you are that good"

    The pilot skillfully adjusted his burner, and started moving his weighted sand bags from one side of the basket to the other. The balloon gently descended, much to the amazement of the passengers on board.

    "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now hovering a mere 6' off the ground!"....A round of applause greeted the rather grand announcement...."In fact"....continued the pilot,"I can confirm that a local resident has even come out to greet us, and is extending his hand upwards in friendship"

    The pilot leaned out of the basket and shook the resident by the hand, before announcing that the balloon was about to rise. A few seconds later, the sceptic spoke up in admiration...."Astounding skill, pilot! truly amazing. To put us down safely, through all of the cloud and fog. Unbelievable skill indeed!"

    "Not only that, sir"....responded the pilot...."I can tell you exactly where we are....Liverpool"

    The passengers were stunned. "How on earth can you know that, through all of the heavy cloud and all that fog, and only a handshake from a local"

    "Easy"....said the pilot...."The thieving bastard just nicked my watch."
     
    #3001
    Makemstine Roger, Jul 7, 2021
    Ringo Lion likes this.
  2. brisbane-lion

    brisbane-lion Well-Known Member

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    You're never going to heaven,Makemstein. <doh>
     
    #3002
    brisbane-lion, Jul 7, 2021
    Makemstine Roger likes this.
  3. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    no problem mate you can take my place;)
     
    #3003
    Makemstine Roger, Jul 7, 2021
  4. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    please log in to view this image
     
    #3004
    Makemstine Roger, Jul 7, 2021
    OLOF likes this.
  5. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #3005
    Makemstine Roger, Jul 7, 2021
  6. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #3006
    Makemstine Roger, Jul 7, 2021
    oldschool likes this.
  7. xbpod

    xbpod Well-Known Member

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    FB_IMG_1625674822088.jpg
     
    #3007
    xbpod, Jul 7, 2021
  8. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #3008
    Makemstine Roger, Jul 7, 2021
    OLOF, stonkin, oldschool and 1 other person like this.
  9. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #3009
    Makemstine Roger, Jul 7, 2021
  10. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #3010
    Makemstine Roger, Jul 7, 2021
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  11. xbpod

    xbpod Well-Known Member

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    IMG-20210708-WA0005.jpg
     
    #3011
    xbpod, Jul 8, 2021
    2 pennth, oldschool, wakeybreakyheart and 1 other person like this.
  12. Gessa

    Gessa Well-Known Member

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    I got a phone call from my son's school today


    Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?



    Yes, how can I help you?



    Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling



    Oh, hi



    Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!



    Really? Wow! Is he really that good?



    No, we've just found him dead on the toilet.
     
    #3012
    Gessa, Jul 9, 2021
    **Hector ** and Makemstine Roger like this.
  13. OLOF

    OLOF Well-Known Member

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    IMG-20210710-WA0001.jpg
     
    #3013
    OLOF, Jul 10, 2021
    FORZA LEEDS likes this.
  14. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #3014
    Makemstine Roger, Jul 10, 2021
    Gessa and xbpod like this.
  15. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    A blind guy goes to a prostitute but, as he is blind, he can't see what he is getting and ends up with a pox ridden old boot:
    They go upstairs and she undresses. He runs his hand over her spotty butt and recoils.
    "It's okay." She says, "just a bit of acne."
    "Thank god." He says. "I thought it was the price list."
     
    #3015
    Makemstine Roger, Jul 11, 2021
    FORZA LEEDS and OLOF like this.
  16. Whitejock

    Whitejock Well-Known Member

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    #3016
    Whitejock, Jul 11, 2021
    **Hector **, 2 pennth and Makemstine Roger like this.
  17. Old Git

    Old Git Well-Known Member

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    #3017
    Old Git, Jul 12, 2021
    FORZA LEEDS, 2 pennth, Whitejock and 1 other person like this.
  18. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #3018
    Makemstine Roger, Jul 12, 2021
    lifecheshirewhite, OLOF, **Hector ** and 5 others like this.
  19. Whitejock

    Whitejock Well-Known Member

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    #3019
    Whitejock, Jul 12, 2021
    OLOF, FORZA LEEDS and Makemstine Roger like this.
  20. brisbane-lion

    brisbane-lion Well-Known Member

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    A wise old man told his wife..........nothing. That's how he became a wise old man.
     
    #3020
    brisbane-lion, Jul 14, 2021
    Makemstine Roger likes this.
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