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A grandfather always made a special effort with his grandchildren. Many Sunday mornings he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, grandma came to the rescue and said that she would take the grandchild out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see Grandpa.
"Well," the grandfather asked, "did you enjoy your ride with Granny?"
"Oh yes, Grandpa," the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy ****head!"
 
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Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
Woman #1: I froze to death.
Woman #2: How horrible!
Woman #1: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
Woman #2: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
Woman #1: So what happened?
Woman #2: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
Woman #1: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
 
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The wife bought herself a pair of Meatloaf knickers, on the front it said, 'I would do anything for love" but on the back it said, "but I won't do that"

A woman's shoes say a lot about her feelings. For example, it they're behind her ears she likes you.
 
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A mother was driving her 10 year old son to school when a dildo fell off a dump truck in front and stuck on her windscreen,
she stopped the car got out and removed it quickly
all embarrassed she got back into the car and said to her son oh it was just an insect,
Her son replied wow I am surprised it could get off the ground with a dick that size,
 
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A lawyer goes duck hunting in NSW. He lines up a dick and lets fly, bingo. The duck lands in a paddock. The lawyer climbs the fence to retrieve his prize when a guy in a 4x4 turns up. "What do you think you're doing on my land.?" he says. The Lawyers says he was just getting the duck he just shot. The cockie says that it is on his land and he claims it for himself. "Look, says the lawyer, I'm he best lawyer in the state, I could sue you for everything you have, now let me have my duck". "How about we settle this the local way?" says the cockie, "we get three kicks each, I kick you three times then you kick me three times and this goes until one of us has had enough". "OK, say the lawyer and the cockie gives him a belt right in the groin. The lawyer goes down. The cockie boots him in the guts and the lawyer turns over on the ground. The cockie has one last go which he aims straight at the lawyer's head. Groaning with pain, the lawyer struggles to his feet. "OK, my turn." he says. "Naw", says the cockie, I've had enough, you keep the duck".
 
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brisbane-lion said:
A lawyer goes duck hunting in NSW. He lines up a dick and lets fly, bingo. The duck lands in a paddock. The lawyer climbs the fence to retrieve his prize when a guy in a 4x4 turns up. "What do you think you're doing on my land.?" he says. The Lawyers says he was just getting the duck he just shot. The cockie says that it is on his land and he claims it for himself. "Look, says the lawyer, I'm he best lawyer in the state, I could sue you for everything you have, now let me have my duck". "How about we settle this the local way?" says the cockie, "we get three kicks each, I kick you three times then you kick me three times and this goes until one of us has had enough". "OK, say the lawyer and the cockie gives him a belt right in the groin. The lawyer goes down. The cockie boots him in the guts and the lawyer turns over on the ground. The cockie has one last go which he aims straight at the lawyer's head. Groaning with pain, the lawyer struggles to his feet. "OK, my turn." he says. "Naw", says the cockie, I've had enough, you keep the duck".
Click to expand...
Just proves you can’t trust the Aussies over anything
 
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