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**** jokes thread

Discussion in 'The Premier League' started by PINKIE, Sep 21, 2017.

  1. Or, how about the dyslexic shop-keeper who ended up becoming a tobogganist?
     
    #161
  2. Q: What's white and goes up and down really fast in a pram?

    A: Michael Jackson's arse.
     
    #162
    Spurlock and Dier Hard like this.
  3. Q: What does your boss have in common with a baby's nappy?

    A: It's usually full of **** and hanging round your arse.
     
    #163
    Spurlock likes this.
  4. Tourist: "Tell me, Paddy! Why must we always fall out of the boat backwards?"

    Irish Diving Instructor: "Otherwise, you'll end up back in the boat!"
     
    #164
  5. AKCJ

    AKCJ Well-Known Member Forum Moderator

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    I was in bed last night 'spooning' the wife when I rested my knob against her arse.

    "What do you reckon?" I whispered - "Do you fancy a bit?"

    "Pack it in" she said.

    Well she didn't have to tell me twice...
     
    #165
  6. AKCJ

    AKCJ Well-Known Member Forum Moderator

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    Met a girl with 12 breasts today.

    Sounds weird, dozen tit?
     
    #166

  7. The Ginger Marks

    The Ginger Marks Ma Mo

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    I was in McDonald's in Basingstoke and after perusing the fare on the menu board I asked the short, bald three star loser are you the one that makes the Mac-jizz meal? He said yes! I told him to go wash his hands and make me cheese quarter pounder.
     
    #167
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  8. AKCJ

    AKCJ Well-Known Member Forum Moderator

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    A woman walks into a bar and sits next to a big scouser. After a while she leans over and whispers, "do you want a blow job". The scouser leaps up in a rage, grabs her by the hair, and drags her outside for a beating.

    After a while he comes back and orders another pint. "I've never seen you so angry", says the barman,"what did she say?".
    "Dunno", says the scouser, "something about a job...".
     
    #168
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  9. AKCJ

    AKCJ Well-Known Member Forum Moderator

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    How do you make apple crumble?

    Remind her that her Dad is in Coldplay and her mum is Gwyneth Paltrow.
     
    #169
  10. Bodinki

    Bodinki You're welcome Forum Moderator

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    Man walks into a restaurant and looks at the menu, he see's "Soup of the Day" and "Oasis Soup of the day".
    He motions to the waiter and asks, "What's the difference between Soup of the Day and Oasis soup of the Day?"
    To which the waiter responds, "Well, with the Oasis Soup of the Day......Ya GET A ROLL WITH IT....."
     
    #170
  11. AKCJ

    AKCJ Well-Known Member Forum Moderator

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    My mate was arrested for molesting geese, but swore that he was just looking at them.

    Nevertheless, he's been charged with having a gander.
     
    #171
  12. AKCJ

    AKCJ Well-Known Member Forum Moderator

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    Have you ever seen two planes fighting in an airbase and thought, hangar bout?
     
    #172
  13. AKCJ

    AKCJ Well-Known Member Forum Moderator

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    I used to be addicted to hokey-cokey, but I've turned it around and that's what it's all about.
     
    #173
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  14. Bodinki

    Bodinki You're welcome Forum Moderator

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    I used to be a Werewolf, but I aint one nooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww
     
    #174
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  15. Bodinki

    Bodinki You're welcome Forum Moderator

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    So a man meets a woman and they fall in love.
    Problem is, the man is mad about tractors, he owns a few which he keeps outside their house.
    He reads Tractor monthly, he is constantly going to auctions to buy classic tractors and spends a fortune maintaining them.
    After a couple of years his missus gets the hump and issues an ultimatum, "Get rid of the tractors or we are through,".
    The man reluctantly agrees.
    A few weeks later they go out for a drink, but the bar is full of people smoking.
    The woman starts coughing her head off, "Yuck, I hate smoke!"
    The guy takes opens his mouth and begins to suck all the smoke from out of the bar, from each corner of the room it flies into his mouth and he swallows it leaving the whole room completely smoke free.
    His missus looks at him dumbstruck....."How the **** did you do that?"
    "Well," he replied "I'm an Ex-Tractor Fan".
     
    #175
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  16. AKCJ

    AKCJ Well-Known Member Forum Moderator

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    I thought my wife was joking when she said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees.

    But then I saw her face.
     
    #176
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  17. The Ginger Marks

    The Ginger Marks Ma Mo

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    I was in a restaurant earlier and asked for the chicken soup, about 10 minutes later he comes out and serves the soup but I notice he has his thumb in the soup. "Oi you dirty bastard, that's my soup your thumbs in". He said "It's not my fault I've got arthritis and the doctor told me to keep it warm". I said "Stick it up your arse"! "He said I do in the kitchen".
     
    #177
  18. DerekTheMole

    DerekTheMole Well-Known Member

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    Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

    He bought a warehouse
     
    #178
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  19. SpursDisciple

    SpursDisciple Booking: Mod abuse - overturned on appeal Forum Moderator

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    read the thread <whistle>
     
    #179
  20. Deleted #

    Deleted # Well-Known Member

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    Man to a butcher: "I'd like bull's testicles."

    Butcher: "So would I"
     
    #180

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