Q: What does your boss have in common with a baby's nappy? A: It's usually full of **** and hanging round your arse.
Tourist: "Tell me, Paddy! Why must we always fall out of the boat backwards?" Irish Diving Instructor: "Otherwise, you'll end up back in the boat!"
I was in bed last night 'spooning' the wife when I rested my knob against her arse. "What do you reckon?" I whispered - "Do you fancy a bit?" "Pack it in" she said. Well she didn't have to tell me twice...
I was in McDonald's in Basingstoke and after perusing the fare on the menu board I asked the short, bald three star loser are you the one that makes the Mac-jizz meal? He said yes! I told him to go wash his hands and make me cheese quarter pounder.
A woman walks into a bar and sits next to a big scouser. After a while she leans over and whispers, "do you want a blow job". The scouser leaps up in a rage, grabs her by the hair, and drags her outside for a beating. After a while he comes back and orders another pint. "I've never seen you so angry", says the barman,"what did she say?". "Dunno", says the scouser, "something about a job...".
How do you make apple crumble? Remind her that her Dad is in Coldplay and her mum is Gwyneth Paltrow.
Man walks into a restaurant and looks at the menu, he see's "Soup of the Day" and "Oasis Soup of the day". He motions to the waiter and asks, "What's the difference between Soup of the Day and Oasis soup of the Day?" To which the waiter responds, "Well, with the Oasis Soup of the Day......Ya GET A ROLL WITH IT....."
My mate was arrested for molesting geese, but swore that he was just looking at them. Nevertheless, he's been charged with having a gander.
So a man meets a woman and they fall in love. Problem is, the man is mad about tractors, he owns a few which he keeps outside their house. He reads Tractor monthly, he is constantly going to auctions to buy classic tractors and spends a fortune maintaining them. After a couple of years his missus gets the hump and issues an ultimatum, "Get rid of the tractors or we are through,". The man reluctantly agrees. A few weeks later they go out for a drink, but the bar is full of people smoking. The woman starts coughing her head off, "Yuck, I hate smoke!" The guy takes opens his mouth and begins to suck all the smoke from out of the bar, from each corner of the room it flies into his mouth and he swallows it leaving the whole room completely smoke free. His missus looks at him dumbstruck....."How the **** did you do that?" "Well," he replied "I'm an Ex-Tractor Fan".
I thought my wife was joking when she said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. But then I saw her face.
I was in a restaurant earlier and asked for the chicken soup, about 10 minutes later he comes out and serves the soup but I notice he has his thumb in the soup. "Oi you dirty bastard, that's my soup your thumbs in". He said "It's not my fault I've got arthritis and the doctor told me to keep it warm". I said "Stick it up your arse"! "He said I do in the kitchen".
