I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
Off Topic Jokes thread
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If I was a plastic surgeon I would absolutely put a squeaky toy into every breast implant.
Two priest's were taking were standing at the in urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's penis.
He says "I'm not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isn't that supposed to be on your arm?"
And the other priest goes "No brother it's working fine. I'm down to two butts a day"!
He says "I'm not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isn't that supposed to be on your arm?"
And the other priest goes "No brother it's working fine. I'm down to two butts a day"!
Paddy is on a beach sunbaking.
Out of respect for others he covers his private parts with a hat.
A woman walks past and sniggers "if your were a gentleman you'd lift your hat"
To which Paddy replies "if you weren't so fecking ugly it would lift itself!!"
Out of respect for others he covers his private parts with a hat.
A woman walks past and sniggers "if your were a gentleman you'd lift your hat"
To which Paddy replies "if you weren't so fecking ugly it would lift itself!!"
WOMEN eh!
Boob-jobs,
nose-jobs,
teeth bleaching,
tummy tucks,
liposuction,
colonic irrigation,
botox,
pierced ears,
pierced nipples,
pierced bellies,
pierced clits,
eyebrows plucked,
bikini wax,
armpits shaved,
legs waxed,
lips tattooed,
tits tattooed,
arms tattooed,
legs tattooed,
lengthy diets,
strenuous exercise. . . . . . . . and THEN,
they won't take it up the a*se 'cos: "it hurts!''.
Boob-jobs,
nose-jobs,
teeth bleaching,
tummy tucks,
liposuction,
colonic irrigation,
botox,
pierced ears,
pierced nipples,
pierced bellies,
pierced clits,
eyebrows plucked,
bikini wax,
armpits shaved,
legs waxed,
lips tattooed,
tits tattooed,
arms tattooed,
legs tattooed,
lengthy diets,
strenuous exercise. . . . . . . . and THEN,
they won't take it up the a*se 'cos: "it hurts!''.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all walking along together when they encounter a slide in front of a magic pool.
The Englishman decides to give it a try and shouts as he slides down "Beer!" and lands in a pool of beer.
The Scotsman sees this and has a go himself. As he slides down cries out "Whiskey!", and lands in a pool of whiskey.
...
The Irishman, having seen this, decides to have a go to, as it looks like fun. As he slides down, he cries out "Weeeeeee!
The Englishman decides to give it a try and shouts as he slides down "Beer!" and lands in a pool of beer.
The Scotsman sees this and has a go himself. As he slides down cries out "Whiskey!", and lands in a pool of whiskey.
...
The Irishman, having seen this, decides to have a go to, as it looks like fun. As he slides down, he cries out "Weeeeeee!
My girlfriend bought a home waxing kit the other day.
She asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle.
I said I would prefer it if she didn't have a moustache at all.
She asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle.
I said I would prefer it if she didn't have a moustache at all.
My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performance on a scale of one to ten.
Last night we tried anal and she kept yelling 'nine', which is my best score yet.
Last night we tried anal and she kept yelling 'nine', which is my best score yet.
Woopert!!!!!!!!!@Please see page 43 post [HASHTAG]#844[/HASHTAG] You will of course be hearing from my lawyer's
Hey anti - I nicked it off the QPR Joke Thread, so will see you in court !! 
Hopefully I didn't pinch post [HASHTAG]#887[/HASHTAG] off of you.
Hopefully I didn't pinch post [HASHTAG]#887[/HASHTAG] off of you.
1004134"]Hey anti - I nicked it off the QPR Joke Thread, so will see you in court !!
Hopefully I didn't pinch post [HASHTAG]#887[/HASHTAG] off of you.[/QUOTE]
No 887 passes the rigours of me lying In bed for 3 weeks with stuff all to do- any other sites besides QPR that are worth a gander
Hopefully I didn't pinch post [HASHTAG]#887[/HASHTAG] off of you.
[/QUOTE]No 887 passes the rigours of me lying In bed for 3 weeks with stuff all to do- any other sites besides QPR that are worth a gander
The boss of Dulux Paints has died from hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic.
Paramedics said he could have done with another coat....
Hi anti - both the Swansea page, and the Barnsley page (run by QPR fans, as no Tykes fans are interested
) are quite good !!
Paramedics said he could have done with another coat....
Hi anti - both the Swansea page, and the Barnsley page (run by QPR fans, as no Tykes fans are interested
) are quite good !!
An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in London much to the dismay of
her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a
caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a
railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."
her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a
caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a
railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."
After finally realising that they were the worst team in South London, a Millwall fan had had enough.
He ran down to the end of his road and nailed his season ticket to a tree in disgust.
The next day, whilst walking his rather vicious looking dog, he walked past the tree and discovered that someone had stolen the nail.
He ran down to the end of his road and nailed his season ticket to a tree in disgust.
The next day, whilst walking his rather vicious looking dog, he walked past the tree and discovered that someone had stolen the nail.
I was browsing in my local antique shop and noticed an old chair covered in tampons.
I asked the shop keeper what it was and he said it was a period piece.
I asked the shop keeper what it was and he said it was a period piece.
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
They had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation.
But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well endowed.
"I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy," Fred was prompted to remark.
"Wasn't always that way," replied Chas, "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said. "I got this done over in Harley Street, cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent."
Fred was very envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to London first thing.
It was a good six months later before he ran into his old cobber once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.
"But Chas, I will tell you something else," said Fred. "You were diddled, I got mine for $500, not a thousand."
Chas could hardly believe it. Same address on Harley Street, same doctor.
Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could take a look.
Once more they lined up at the porcelain, when Chas took a peek over the partition, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. "No wonder," he laughed. "That's my old one!"
But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well endowed.
"I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy," Fred was prompted to remark.
"Wasn't always that way," replied Chas, "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said. "I got this done over in Harley Street, cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent."
Fred was very envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to London first thing.
It was a good six months later before he ran into his old cobber once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.
"But Chas, I will tell you something else," said Fred. "You were diddled, I got mine for $500, not a thousand."
Chas could hardly believe it. Same address on Harley Street, same doctor.
Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could take a look.
Once more they lined up at the porcelain, when Chas took a peek over the partition, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. "No wonder," he laughed. "That's my old one!"
An Irishman, named Mick, takes part in a TV quiz show.
His first question was; what two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
He thought for a moment and then gave his answer - "Today and Tomorrow".
The quizmaster was rather taken aback by this and had to call in the adjudicator who said that Mick was indeed correct
even though that particular answer was not on the answer sheet.
His second question was; “How many seconds are there in a year?”
Almost immediately Mick answered "12".
"How on earth can there be only 12?" asked the question master.
"Easy" says Mick - "2nd of January, 2nd of February, 2nd of March and so on".
Once again the adjudicator was called and once again he said that Mick was indeed correct.
Now, his third and final question was; “What was the name of the swagman in the song "Waltzing Matilda?”
Mick, silently went through the words of the song in his head.
"It's Andy", he said.
"OK", said the question master, "Please tell us how you have reached that answer".
So Mick began to sing;-
“Once a jolly swagman sat by a billabong under the shade of a koolabar tree
ANDY sang as he watched and waited till his billy boiled
You’ll come a-waltzing Matilda with me.”
Good old Mick went home with a £5,000 cheque.
His first question was; what two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
He thought for a moment and then gave his answer - "Today and Tomorrow".
The quizmaster was rather taken aback by this and had to call in the adjudicator who said that Mick was indeed correct
even though that particular answer was not on the answer sheet.
His second question was; “How many seconds are there in a year?”
Almost immediately Mick answered "12".
"How on earth can there be only 12?" asked the question master.
"Easy" says Mick - "2nd of January, 2nd of February, 2nd of March and so on".
Once again the adjudicator was called and once again he said that Mick was indeed correct.
Now, his third and final question was; “What was the name of the swagman in the song "Waltzing Matilda?”
Mick, silently went through the words of the song in his head.
"It's Andy", he said.
"OK", said the question master, "Please tell us how you have reached that answer".
So Mick began to sing;-
“Once a jolly swagman sat by a billabong under the shade of a koolabar tree
ANDY sang as he watched and waited till his billy boiled
You’ll come a-waltzing Matilda with me.”
Good old Mick went home with a £5,000 cheque.
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she's back at the doctor, where she says "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says "I'm sorry, we didn't realise the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages".
"Nah" she says "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway".
"Nah" she says "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway".
In the beginning God created day and night.
He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.
On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody great!
IT WAS AUSTRALIA
He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.
On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody great!
IT WAS AUSTRALIA