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Off Topic Jokes thread
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I said to the waiter what's the special today He said Tongue.
I said I don't fancy eating something out of an animals mouth
He said What about a couple of Boiled eggs then......
I said I don't fancy eating something out of an animals mouth
He said What about a couple of Boiled eggs then......
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We lost in the pub quiz. My fault.
"In Greek mythology what being was half man and half beast."
I said Buffalo Bill.
"In Greek mythology what being was half man and half beast."
I said Buffalo Bill.
An Irish bloke goes to the doctor and says "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another £10 note appear. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?.
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit." says Paddy " I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another £10 note appear. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?.
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit." says Paddy " I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
So I rang my mate Stan this morning and his wife answered.
"I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday," I said. "You fly from Gatwick tomorrow, don't you?"
She said, "Stansted."
"Blimey," I said, "he seemed absolutely fine in the pub last night."
"I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday," I said. "You fly from Gatwick tomorrow, don't you?"
She said, "Stansted."
"Blimey," I said, "he seemed absolutely fine in the pub last night."
Just tried some of Elvis Costello's new Mediterranean sausages.
They were delicious.
I think olive salami is here to stay…
They were delicious.
I think olive salami is here to stay…
The woman at the Job Centre said, "You're always late, you ignore the queue of people and you're rude to everyone."
I said, "What's your point?"
"Have you ever thought of becoming a bus driver?" She replied
I said, "What's your point?"
"Have you ever thought of becoming a bus driver?" She replied
My doctor told me I'd never reach 50.
That's the last time I give him a lift on my moped.
That's the last time I give him a lift on my moped.
BREAKING: The BBC have confirmed that Mrs. Brown’s Boys has been removed from iPlayer.
Nothing to do with any investigations. It’s just s**t.
Nothing to do with any investigations. It’s just s**t.
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