Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
- Start date
- Father Norton woke up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decided that it was too good to waste indoors; he simply had to play golf.
- Pretending to be unwell, he convinced the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, before heading out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he wouldn"t run into anyone from his parish.
- On the first tee, he looked around and saw that he had the entire course to himself.
- Everyone else was in church!
- Watching this from the heavens, Saint Peter leant over to the Lord and asked, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"
- Just then, Father Norton hit the ball and it headed straight for the pin, dropped just short, before rolling up and falling into the hole - a 420 yard hole in one!
- Astonished, St. Peter looked to the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?!"
- The Lord smiled and replied, "Who"s he going to tell?"
- I was approached by a gypsy this morning.
- She was dirty, smelly, ugly, wart-ridden, lives in a flea-infested caravan, probably gets raped by her dad and brothers, and then tried to sell me heather "to bring me good luck".
- Why do jewish families have double glazed windows?
- So the children can"t hear the ice-cream van.
- I pulled a girl at a nightclub and she took me back to her place.
- I was really drunk but I still managed to shag her.
- While we were shagging I said to her, "you"ve got no tits but your fanny is so tight."
- She said, "get off of my fcuking back."
A woman was dating a doctor. In the weeks that followed, she learned that she is pregnant. About nine months later, just about the time she is scheduled to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor dating the woman says, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try." he says.
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes up to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."
The doctor dating the woman says, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try." he says.
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes up to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."
A recent survey says that the first car you drive is as memorable as your first kiss.
This is very true. I still remember mine, an old banger that stank of piss. Can't think what the car was though!
This is very true. I still remember mine, an old banger that stank of piss. Can't think what the car was though!