- A woman walks into a chemist and asks the man behind the counter if he sells extra large condoms.
- He replies, "Yes, we do. Would you like to buy some?"
- She replies, "No, but do you mind if i wait around here until someone does?"
Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
- Start date
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- Gary Glitter has decided to return to music.
- This time he is to get involved with classical composing.
- So far he"s composed one song, entitled "Deep".
- Or, more precisely, "Deep in A Minor".
- A priest and a rabbi show up at the Pearly Gates.
- Peter says, "can I help you boys?"
- "Well, yeah, we just died and we would like to come in to Heaven."
- Peter looks at his clipboard and says, "I don"t think so.
- You have been pretty bad on Earth and we don"t let people like that in here. But I"ll tell you what; go ahead and go to Hell, just for now.
- If Satan will let you come back, I will let you in."
- Peter sends them away, laughing, because Satan never lets anyone go to Heaven.
- About ten minutes later, the preacher shows back up at the Pearly Gates.
- Peter says, "No ****! Satan let you come back?"
- "Yeah, he was in a good mood and said for twenty bucks each we could get out of Hell."
- "Well, where is that rabbi?"
- "I don"t know, when I left he had Satan down to $19.95."
- Bloke walks into a bar with an elephant.
- "This elephant will do anything," he announces proudly."
- All right," says the barman. "Make it stand on one leg."
- So the bloke lifts the elephant"s ear up and whispers something to the elephant.
- Moments later the great grey beast lifts itself up onto its hind legs then carefully balances itself up on one leg.
- The crowd in the bar go wild with enthusiastic cheering.
- "Very clever," says the barman. "Now lets see it f*ck my cat."
- And so saying, he plonks the genial bar cat onto the bar.
- The bloke with the elephant thinks a moment then takes the cat and places it on the floor in front of the elephant (who is still poised Bolshoi like on one leg).
- He gets up on tip toe and whispers something in the elephant"s ear.
- As silence descends on the drinkers in the bar, the man steps back and the elephant teeters over and comes crashing down, splattering Tiddles across the floor."
- There you go," says the bloke. "That"s f*cked it."
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "S*it! I didn't recognize you."
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "S*it! I didn't recognize you."
- Still hopeful of winning gold, the Pakistani men"s hockey team have been described as "rank outsiders".
- Too f*cking right they are!
- My wife said to me yesterday that I"m immature and childish.
- I replied to her, "if I"m a child that means you"re a *****phile, and I"ll be damned if I"m going stand here and take this from a pervert."
- I asked my deaf/mute neighbour to stop parking his car on my drive.
- He got quite angry,you should have seen the language.
- What does a hooker have at the end of her shift?
- A box full of assorted creams.
- Two Jewish blokes, Gerry and Sam, find a prostitute and, being Jewish, they don"t want to spend much money, so they ask the hooker if she will have them both for a fiver.
- The hooker says no, but she will f*ck them both for six quid, so they go back to her apartment.Gerry sits on the sofa while Sam goes first.
- The prostitute gets on top and starts riding away.
- After a minute the prostitute says, "Come on, faster, faster, I"ll knock a couple of quid off."
- So Sam f*cks her faster.
- A minute later she says, "come on, harder,harder, I"ll knock another couple of quid off."
- So Sam f*cks her harder.
- Then she says, "come on, harder and faster, I"ll knock another couple off quid off."
- So he bangs her harder and faster.
- Just then Gerry jumps off the sofa and screams, "go on sam, go for the profit, go for the profit!"