- I read that Simon Cowell is extremely wealthy and spends 500k on his personal security every year.
- Wouldn"t it be a lot cheaper if he tried to be a little bit less of a total twat?
Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
- Start date
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A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?”
“No, silly” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, “I just paid $6,000 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.”
“So then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.”
“So then?”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, “This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.”
“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?”
“No, silly” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, “I just paid $6,000 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.”
“So then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.”
“So then?”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, “This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.”
I just saw a pensioner do a tribute to the German football team.
She got off the bus, looked a bit confused and lost, then got back on the bus and went home.
She got off the bus, looked a bit confused and lost, then got back on the bus and went home.
The wife asked me to get a camper van.
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I got thrown out of the cinema for taking my own food in yesterday.
Been ages since I've had a barbecue.
Been ages since I've had a barbecue.
I started giving my wife driving lessons.
Thought I'd do the responsible thing and start her off on the Postman Pat ride outside ASDA, plus it's only 50p a time.
Thought I'd do the responsible thing and start her off on the Postman Pat ride outside ASDA, plus it's only 50p a time.
What South Korea did to Germany earlier today......
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BREAKING NEWS:
England fans get sun loungers at hotel pool in Russia........
England fans get sun loungers at hotel pool in Russia........
Diane Abbott is suffering during the current heatwave.
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- A man walking through a field sees another man behind a sheep, sweating and grunting.
- "Hi," says the man, "you shearing?"
- The man with the sheep replies, "no, f*ck off and get your own!"