Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
- Start date
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Wouldn't the song "Love really hurts without you" by Billy Ocean be a great choice for a Vaseline advert.
Real Madrid have put in a bid for Mo Salah.
If he declines, Sergio Ramos has offered to try and twist his other arm.
If he declines, Sergio Ramos has offered to try and twist his other arm.
Two deaf blokes were out one evening and decided to call into a pub for a pint. One said, by means of signing, “You sit down, I’ll get these.”
“Two pints best bitter please” he said to the bartender, signing and talking in that inimitable way that the deaf have.
“That’ll be eight pounds please.”
“Eight ****in’ quid for two pints!!! Why?”
“We’ve got music on.”
“Music! We’re deaf. What sort of music is it anyway? Is it rock ‘n’ roll?”
“No.”
“Is it soul?”
“No.”
“Is it R ‘n’ B?”
“No.”
“Well what is it?”
“It’s country and western.” At that he takes the beers over to his mate and tells him “Eight ****in’ quid for two pints.”
“Whhaaaat? Why?”
“They’ve got music on.”
“Music!! We’re deaf fer crissake! What sort of music is it anyway, is it rock ‘n’ roll?”
“No.”
“Well is it soul?”
“No.”
“Well is it R ‘n’ B?”
“No.”
“Well what is it then?”
“It’s some c*nt from Preston . . . .
“Two pints best bitter please” he said to the bartender, signing and talking in that inimitable way that the deaf have.
“That’ll be eight pounds please.”
“Eight ****in’ quid for two pints!!! Why?”
“We’ve got music on.”
“Music! We’re deaf. What sort of music is it anyway? Is it rock ‘n’ roll?”
“No.”
“Is it soul?”
“No.”
“Is it R ‘n’ B?”
“No.”
“Well what is it?”
“It’s country and western.” At that he takes the beers over to his mate and tells him “Eight ****in’ quid for two pints.”
“Whhaaaat? Why?”
“They’ve got music on.”
“Music!! We’re deaf fer crissake! What sort of music is it anyway, is it rock ‘n’ roll?”
“No.”
“Well is it soul?”
“No.”
“Well is it R ‘n’ B?”
“No.”
“Well what is it then?”
“It’s some c*nt from Preston . . . .
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning,
after he climbed out he handed me the dog and said
“here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine”
I said “are you a vet?”
He replied “vet?..
I’m fu**ing soaking
after he climbed out he handed me the dog and said
“here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine”
I said “are you a vet?”
He replied “vet?..
I’m fu**ing soaking
A man asks a little girl, "What does your Dad do for a living"
"He's a magician" says the girl
oh, and what's his best trick?
"Sawing people in half" says the girl
And do you have any other family?
Yes says the girl "I have a half brother and 2 half sisters"
"He's a magician" says the girl
oh, and what's his best trick?
"Sawing people in half" says the girl
And do you have any other family?
Yes says the girl "I have a half brother and 2 half sisters"
- A man says to his wife, "What would you say if I told you I"d won the lottery?"
- She says, "I"d take half and then leave you."
- "Excellent," the guy says.
- "I had three numbers come up and won a tenner.
- Here"s a fiver... now f*ck off!"
- A worried farther confronted his daughter one night.
- "I don"t like your new boyfriend, he"s rough, he"s common, and f*cking stupid too.
- "The daughter replied,
- "Oh no daddy, Fred"s ever so clever. We"ve only been going out nine weeks, and he"s already cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."
- I went to see Chubby Brown at the weekend.
- As soon as he came on stage I started shouting
- "You fat bastard! You fat bastard!"
- Then I was told by security that that sort of behaviour wasn"t tolerated at the Labour party conference.
- I went to my local supermarket and they offered me a "bag for life" -
- I said "No thanks, I"m already married."