I just got my Jack Wilshere World Cup Panini sticker, peeled the back off and now he's got a dislocated shoulder.
Off Topic Jokes thread
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which
part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."
The nun had to leave the room.
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which
part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."
The nun had to leave the room.
News Flash !!............Liverpool have signed a new keeper..........
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As I waited to be taken down to start my prison term, I was allowed a final minute with my wife.
I said "Listen Jo, prison is a horrible place that changes people for the worse, and when I come out I doubt I'll be the same man you know and love. For that reason, I don't expect you to wait for me, so get on with your life and try and meet someone else who can hopefully be a father to our children. Most of all though, just stay strong and be happy."
"Stay strong?" my wife snapped, "You're only doing a week for an unpaid parking ticket, you f*cking b*stard!"
I said "Listen Jo, prison is a horrible place that changes people for the worse, and when I come out I doubt I'll be the same man you know and love. For that reason, I don't expect you to wait for me, so get on with your life and try and meet someone else who can hopefully be a father to our children. Most of all though, just stay strong and be happy."
"Stay strong?" my wife snapped, "You're only doing a week for an unpaid parking ticket, you f*cking b*stard!"
When it's sunny I think 'Beer garden.'
When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.
When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of Beer.
I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather.
When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.
When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of Beer.
I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather.
Scientists have discovered a cure for all diseases, apparently.
With the new Karius vaccine, you won't catch a thing!
With the new Karius vaccine, you won't catch a thing!
The Planets are aligned......
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