Off Topic Jokes thread

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  • A bloke bought a new Lexus and returned the next day complaining that the radio didn"t work.
  • The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated."Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"
  • The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
  • He drove away happy and, for the next few days, every time he"d say,"Beethoven", he"d get beautiful classical music,
  • If he said, "Beatles!" he"d get one of their massive hits.... and so on.
  • He was so pleased and impressed with his car.
  • One day, a carload of teenagers ran a red light and nearly creamed his new car, but he swerved in time to avoid them.
  • "ASSHOLES!" he yelled..... and The French National Anthem began to play.
 
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Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing maths quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Dont ask me how, but it really works!

Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.


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Movie List:

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
 
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Police have revealed some of the ridiculous calls still being made to 999. Some are calling to report assaults, rape and burglary.

One guy even used 999 to report a murder, meaning it’s jamming the lines for people wanting to report hate crime.
 
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  • Dictionary For Womens Personal Ads
  • 40ish..............................................49
  • Adventurous........................................Slept with all your mates
  • Athletic...........................................No Tits
  • Average looking....................................Has a face like an arse
  • Beautiful..........................................Pathological liar
  • Contagious smile...................................Does a lot of pills
  • Educated...........................................F*cked to death at college
  • Emotionally secure.................................On medication
  • Feminist...........................................Fat
  • Friendship first...................................Former slut/born again virgin
  • Fun................................................Annoying
  • Gentle.............................................Dul
  • lGood listener......................................Autistic
  • New Age............................................Body hair problems
  • Old fashioned......................................No blow jobs or anal
  • Open minded........................................Desperate
  • Outgoing...........................................Loud and embarrassing
  • Passionate.........................................Sloppy drunk
  • Poet...............................................Depressive
  • Professional.......................................Bitch
  • Romantic...........................................Fridgid
  • Social.............................................Fanny like a clowns pocket
  • Voluptuous.........................................Very fat
  • Large lady.........................................Hugely Fat
  • Wants soulmate.....................................Stalker
  • Widow..............................................Murderer
 
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