Off Topic Jokes thread

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I was in a job interview yesterday. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "£250 and it's yours."

I didn't get the job
 
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  • Joe and John were identical twins.
  • Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-towners who ended up sinking it.
  • He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
  • Unbeknownst to him, his brother John"s wife had died suddenly in his absence.
  • When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.
  • A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I"m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
  • Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I"m sort of glad to be rid of her."
  • "She was a rotten old thing from the beginning." "Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish."
  • "She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too."
  • "Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
  • "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time." "I warned them that she wasn"t very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway."
  • "The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
  • The old woman fainted.
 
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  • A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper.
  • Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, "all politicians are assholes."
  • A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, "I take offence to that!"
  • The pissed-off guy asks him, "why, are you a politician?"
  • "No," he replies, "I"m an asshole."
 
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  • Husband and wife...BEFORE MARRIAGE:
  • Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait
  • !Wife - Do you want me to leave?
  • Husband - No! Don"t even think about it
  • .Wife - Do you love me?
  • Husband - Of course! Always have and always will
  • !Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
  • Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
  • Wife - Will you kiss me?
  • Husband - Every chance I get
  • !Wife - Will you hit me?
  • Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
  • Wife - Can I trust you?
  • Husband - Yes
  • .Wife - Darling!
  • AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
 
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