Off Topic Jokes thread
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Just bought me a Diane Abbot advent calendar.
I didn't know there were 43 days in December!
I didn't know there were 43 days in December!
When I was a child, I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to Christmas so I'd know exactly what to expect.
Although I never did receive the Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000.........
Although I never did receive the Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000.........
Save money this Christmas by simply buying your kids an Easter Egg each and telling them they overslept.
Its not that I don't like some of your jokes its just I don't get them being out of the country for 40 years with only the occasional visit - eg I Googled Dianne Abbot but the 43 days I don't get - HELP
- I got a sweater for Christmas.
- I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner
- Humpty Dumpty screwed a fat whore,
- Humpty Dumpty fell to the floor
- All the kings horses and all the kings men,
- Bent the bitch over and screwed her again!
- I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today,
- but when I looked again it said "Thick Cut"."
Its not that I don't like some of your jokes its just I don't get them being out of the country for 40 years with only the occasional visit - eg I Googled Dianne Abbot but the 43 days I don't get - HELP
Dianne Abbot is a rather thick Labour MP, who always gets her sums totally wrong if asked a question by a journalist !!
- I brought some of these flavoured condoms the other day.
- Said to my wife "Lets have a game, I put one on and you try to guess what favour it is"
- She closed her eyes went under the blanket and said " cheese and onion flavour"
- I said " for fcuks sake give me time to put one on"
Thanks for that Wikipedia didn't tell me that - now off to the races for the day - cheers
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he"d jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she"d shout from the curb. "No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He"d run by and she"d yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He"d yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman"s street corner,
Prince Charles realised she"d bark her 150 pound offer and Camilla would wonder what he"d really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he"d better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
He tried to avoid the prostitute"s eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she"d shout from the curb. "No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He"d run by and she"d yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He"d yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman"s street corner,
Prince Charles realised she"d bark her 150 pound offer and Camilla would wonder what he"d really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he"d better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
He tried to avoid the prostitute"s eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
Little Jenny the chav stands on a chair watching her mom do the washing up.
"Mummy," little Jenny asks, "are your hands soft and gentle and smooth because you have them in soapy water?"
Her mother smiles and says, "no, sweetheart, it"s because I"m thirteen."
"Mummy," little Jenny asks, "are your hands soft and gentle and smooth because you have them in soapy water?"
Her mother smiles and says, "no, sweetheart, it"s because I"m thirteen."