Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas. 1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 2. Smother the butter all over the breasts! 3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 8. You still have a little bit on your chin. 9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
I’ve been invited to the RNLI’s Christmas party. Really looking forward to it. They know how to push the boat out.
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?" Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm f*cking STARVING!"
With a cracking pair of tits in full view, the girl sat next to me said, "would you like me to get one out for you to suck on?" I replied, "Oh, yes please, unwrapping boiled sweets is difficult with birdwatchers gloves on."
For years I thought I had a birthmark on my arse. It turned out to be a cigar burn. Hows about that then?
I took my boy to see Father Christmas yesterday and he fu*king stank of booze and cigarettes. F*ck knows what Father Christmas thought of him?
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I"ll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping?" she whispered. He whispered back, "I found the remote."
Brad, It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly, truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won"t even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being p*ssed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can"t handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn"t crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can"t listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don"t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn"t. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I can"t imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn"t reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry. Elizabeth RESPONSE: Dear Elizabeth, Thank you for your concern. I"ll be sure to file it away under "L! " for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn"t care less about". You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you"re taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn"t as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I"m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn"t f*ck him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn"t care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I"m sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else"s feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don"t think you"re a terrible person, they just think you"re the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know. Talk to you never, Brad
