Off Topic Jokes thread

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  • Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
  • She says, "Hello class, I"m Mrs. Prussy.
  • When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
  • The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy.
  • "A few days later the regular teacher is still sick - when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
  • Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
  • "That"s right!" she coaxed.
  • Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
 
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  • 3 men die on Christmas eve.
  • To get into heaven St Peter says "You must have something that represents Christmas"
  • The English man flicks on his lighter and says "Its a candle"
  • St Peter lets him pass.
  • The Welshman takes out his keys and jingles them and says "Christmas bells".
  • St Peter lets him pass.
  • The Irishman takes out his 10" cock. St Peter says "How does that represent Christmas"
  • Mick replies "Its a fcukin cracker isn't it"
 
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  • An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear"Give us a kiss, luv!"
  • "No!", replied the nurse
  • "Oh go on!", said the man
  • "No!", replied the nurse again
  • "Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"
  • "For the last time, no!", said the nurse,
  • "I shouldn"t even be wnaking you off!"
 
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12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:

1 Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob,
where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were
laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only
come in his shorts.'
12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.
 
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