My wife says she's leaving me due to my obsession with police interviews.
For the benefit of the tape it's 7.15 am and she has just left the room.
For the benefit of the tape it's 7.15 am and she has just left the room.
Off Topic Jokes thread
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The waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet.
"Just slide your finger between the flaps", she suggested.
That finished badly..... On bail till my court appearance
"Just slide your finger between the flaps", she suggested.
That finished badly..... On bail till my court appearance
A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare.
The librarian says "No point You'll only lose it"
The librarian says "No point You'll only lose it"
I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my swimming trunks was upsetting some of the other swimmers.
I pointed out another guy with similar trunks & asked why he was not asked to leave.
They replied "because he hasn't s*at himself".
I pointed out another guy with similar trunks & asked why he was not asked to leave.
They replied "because he hasn't s*at himself".
I went to the doctors because I had trouble with my hearing. "What are the symptoms?" he enquired.
"They're a little yellow cartoon family, why do you ask?"
"They're a little yellow cartoon family, why do you ask?"
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
An old couple is ready to go to sleep.
The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?''
The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?''
The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
Took me ages to find the Halloween section in Lidl.
Every time I thought I'd found the display it turned out to be customers.
Every time I thought I'd found the display it turned out to be customers.