Off Topic Jokes thread
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I ended up with this stunner the other night who assured me she was a virgin.
Things were going great, but after a bit of groping around she pushed me away.
"Don"t tell me," I sighed, "you want to wait for Mr Right?"
"No..." she replied, "Mr Big will do..."
Things were going great, but after a bit of groping around she pushed me away.
"Don"t tell me," I sighed, "you want to wait for Mr Right?"
"No..." she replied, "Mr Big will do..."
Nintendo have brought out a new game; where a 10 year old boy runs around the streets of Glasgow smashing up cars, stabbing people and robbing houses.
It's called "Wii bastard."
It's called "Wii bastard."
I was shagging the wife last night and, after orgasaming for the second time, I rolled over.
My wife was not impressed and said, "how about finishing me off now?"
So I smothered her with my pillow.
My wife was not impressed and said, "how about finishing me off now?"
So I smothered her with my pillow.
"What do you mean by coming home half drunk," screamed the angry wife.
The husband shouted back, "it"s not my f*cking fault - I ran out of money."
The husband shouted back, "it"s not my f*cking fault - I ran out of money."
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Don't care what it says cos it looks sooo goooood !!!!!!!!
I spoke to an immigrant this morning.I said, "what part of this country do you think best represents Great Britain?"
He said, "ten Downing Street."
I said, "why do you say that?"
He said ""cos they"ll let any idiot in."
He said, "ten Downing Street."
I said, "why do you say that?"
He said ""cos they"ll let any idiot in."
After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, English scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, Scottish scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read; Scottish archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the English.
One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following:
After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing.
They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland"s inhabitants were already using wireless technology.
Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, Scottish scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read; Scottish archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the English.
One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following:
After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing.
They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland"s inhabitants were already using wireless technology.
Dave comes home from work early one day.
He walks in to the kitchen and sees his wife on her knees, scrubbing the floor.
He watches the rhythmic movements of her bum stuck high in the air for a few seconds, before he can"t take it any more.
Without a word, he lifts up her skirt, slides in and gives her the pounding of her life until they both orgasm loudly.
Then he zips himself up, gets to his feet and kicks her up the arse as hard as he can.
"What the f*ck was that for?!" she screams at him.
"That was for not turning round to see who it was." he replies.
He walks in to the kitchen and sees his wife on her knees, scrubbing the floor.
He watches the rhythmic movements of her bum stuck high in the air for a few seconds, before he can"t take it any more.
Without a word, he lifts up her skirt, slides in and gives her the pounding of her life until they both orgasm loudly.
Then he zips himself up, gets to his feet and kicks her up the arse as hard as he can.
"What the f*ck was that for?!" she screams at him.
"That was for not turning round to see who it was." he replies.