Off Topic Jokes thread

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The sperms had been having a frustrating time. Whenever they charged up the penis they had constantly been thwarted by condoms.
Determined to fulfil their destiny, a sperm SAS unit was formed.
The sperm-in-chief issued his orders. "The next assault will be led by troops carrying cutting gear. These troops will hack their way through the condom.
The next group, assisted by the penis will widen this breach and clear a path for the main force. This, the main force will consist of every able bodied sperm in my command, and they will charge into the breach, rush the vaginal canal, and over power and fertilize every egg they encounter".
Soon enough the signal for attack Arose . The sperms rushed to their battle stations, seized their weapons and charged up the penis.
The plan went like clockwork. The assault party threw themselves onto the condom. Hacking, clawing and biting they tore a small gap.
The word went back down the line, "Condom breached. Penis, ramming speed".
The combined efforts of the widening party and the frenzied thrusts of the demented penis did the trick. "Follow me chaps" yelled the sperm-in-chief, and led the headlong charge through the condom"s ruptured defences,
Sadly, it suddenly all went wrong.
A terrible cry arose from the front ranks of the main party. " Get back get back, we have landed in the ****e !!!.
 
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Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
 
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Paddy and Mick are going home from a night out and realise that they don't have enough money for a taxi so they decide to go to the Bus depot and steal a bus. Mick breaks into the depot as Paddy stood guard. After a while Paddy decided to see what was keeping Mick so he looked through the gate where he saw Mick running from bus to bus looking worried
"What the hell are you doing?" Hissed Paddy.
Mick replied, "I can't find a number 6 bus anywhere Paddy."
Holding his hands to his head in disbelief Paddy barked
"You idiot Mick, steal a number 8 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the feckin way."
 
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He had been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool, you are gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun. The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "N-n-n-n-o. B-b-but I've always wanted to."
 
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A man is driving rather erratically down a road.
A police officer stops him.
The officer says,"would you mind blowing into this breathaliser for me please, sir?"
The man says, "I"m asthmatic, I can"t do that."
"Okay then," he says, "how about a blood sample?""I suffer from haemophilia," he said, "I could bleed to death."
"Okay," said the officer, rather pissed off, "step out of the car and walk across this white line."
"I can"t do that."
"Why not?" said the officer.
The man replies, "because I"m pissed."
 
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George wakes up in hospital after a serious operation.
"I have good news and bad news," says the doctor.
"The good news is that we managed to save your testicles."
"Thank God," says George.
"And what"s the bad news?"
The doctor replies, "they"re in a bag under your pillow."
 
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