Off Topic Jokes thread

[Wooperts_duck]

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink." The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.

"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

 

[antipodean exile]

A little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a cake while her dad gets his hair cut.
The Barber smiles at her and says "You"re gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know" she says, "I"m gonna get tits too"

 

[antipodean exile]

Mary had a little skirt with a slit right up both sides
And everytime that Mary walked you could see her lovely thighs
Mary had another skirt with a slit right up the front.........
She didnt wear that one as often

 

[antipodean exile]

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
Joseph said, "write that down, Mary - it"s better than Dave!"

 

[antipodean exile]

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[antipodean exile]

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[Wooperts_duck]

The worst Theme Park in the world.

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[Wooperts_duck]

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[Wooperts_duck]

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[Wooperts_duck]

After weeks of receiving non-stop phone calls from a double glazing company I've finally got them to stop, I've agreed to have one of their conservatory's fitted.

I can't wait to see the look on the fu*kers faces when they turn up and realise I live in a top-floor flat.

 

[antipodean exile]

My wife and I are inseparable.
The other night it took six policemen and two dogs to pull us apart

 

[antipodean exile]

This scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to canada.
After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.
After about 5 or 6 whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal antlers on the wall with.
He asks the barman "What the f*ck is that?"
The barman says "It"s a Moose"
The scottish chap says "Fu*k me! How big are the cats!?

 

[antipodean exile]

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[antipodean exile]

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[Wooperts_duck]

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, an answer to your question. It's probably a bird.

 

[Wooperts_duck]

Apparently double-barrelled names come about when both parents want to keep their surnames, according to my friend Paddy Murphy-Murphy.

 

[Wooperts_duck]

I went on a date the other evening.

I said, "So, are you a vampire?"

"No," she said, with a puzzled look on her face.

I said, "So you can see your reflection and you still come out looking like that?"

 

[antipodean exile]

My wife dresses to kill.
She also cooks the same way.

 

[antipodean exile]

You know your mother is getting a bit sick of you when she says she wishes she swallowed you!

 

[antipodean exile]

A man was walking down the street, when suddenly he was hit by a car.
A policeman that attended the scene said to the injured man,
" Did you get a look at the driver?""No. " said the man, "but I can tell you it was my wife."
"How"s that ?"asked the policeman.
And the man said, " I"d recognise her laugh anywhere."