A man is driving down a main road when he sees a blue light in the rear view mirror, and hears the police siren. He pulls over. The traffic cop comes up to his window and says, "Excuse me, sir, but are you aware that when you went round that roundabout back there, your wife fell out of the passenger door?" The man says, "Thank God for that! I thought I"d gone deaf!"
Little Johnny takes his girlfriend to his house to meet his parents but warns her that they"re both deaf and dumb. They get there and walk into the living room. Mum has a beer bottle up her fanny and Dad has his nuts hanging out and a match propping one eye open. His girlfriend says, "what the f*ck is this?" Johnny replies, "oh, it"s sign language: Mum is saying "Get the beers in ya c*nt" and Dad is saying "Bollocks, I"m watching the match!""
When it's sunny I think 'Beer garden.' When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while. When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of Beer. I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather.
A 73 yr old woman is in court for streaking at the Chelsea Flower show. She was let off with a caution but was awarded 1st prize for best dried bush arrangement.
Quasimodo walks into a bar, strolls straight up to the barman and says "I"ll have a whiskey please." The barman says "Bells alright?" Quasi replies "Mind your own f*cking business."
A young married couple were sunning themselves on a nudist beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman"s vagina. The husband quickly covered her with his jacked, threw his clothes carried her to the car and raced to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached and suggested that the husband tried to entice it out by putting honey on the tip of his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The husband agreed but was so nervous that he couldn"t rise to the occasion. Then the doctor said,"If neither of you object I could give it a try." Under the circumstances both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, dipped his penis in honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor began thrusting forcefully and showed no signs of pulling out. "Hey! What"s going on?" demanded the husband eventually. "Change of plan," gasped the doctor. "I"m going to drown the little bastard!"
We had a drive to the beach today and I can't believe what we saw down there. A man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids then she smacked him one on the back of the head and it all kicked off between them. The police turned up and the policeman ended up using his baton on the bloke, but the man managed to get the baton off the copper and started hitting the copper and the woman with it! Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages off the woman as the man started shouting "That's the way to do it!".
I went to a restaurant and ordered "soup of the day" for starters. The waiter brought the soup. Five minutes later, I called the waiter and said, "I can"t eat this!" The waiter said, "Sir, our chef has cooked the same soup, to the same recipe for the last 12 years and nobody has ever complained until now, why can"t you eat it?" I said, "because you didn"t bring me a spoon, you daft twat!"
I was booking in my luggage at Heathrow and said to the booking desk girl, "can you send one of my suitcases to Rome, one to Paris and one to Madrid please?" "I"m sorry sir, I"m afraid we can"t do that," she replied. "Why not? You managed it last fu*king year."
