Off Topic Jokes thread
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A child psychologist vists a school to find out what the children of today are thinking.
First he sees a boy in the corner of the playground running around in circles and pretending to be a truck.
"So what are you doing then?" The psychologist asks.
"I"m a truck driver and are driving all over the world," the boy responds.
Next, the psychologist sees another boy who appears to be doing press-ups in the middle of the playground.
"So what are you doing then?" the psychologist asks.
"I"m sorting out his wife while he"s gone."
First he sees a boy in the corner of the playground running around in circles and pretending to be a truck.
"So what are you doing then?" The psychologist asks.
"I"m a truck driver and are driving all over the world," the boy responds.
Next, the psychologist sees another boy who appears to be doing press-ups in the middle of the playground.
"So what are you doing then?" the psychologist asks.
"I"m sorting out his wife while he"s gone."
My wife wanted a new ring for her birthday.
I went a little better and got her 4 new rings, or a hob as it’s more commonly known.
I went a little better and got her 4 new rings, or a hob as it’s more commonly known.
Plymouth Argyle had an open top bus tour around the city.
Apparently the bus was late, not because of the crowds, but because of gearbox trouble.
They couldn't get it above 2nd................
Apparently the bus was late, not because of the crowds, but because of gearbox trouble.
They couldn't get it above 2nd................
A priest was invited to attend a house party.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening..
Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked
the boy; "Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,
"It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening..
Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked
the boy; "Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,
"It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".
My wife"s spent hours in the back garden today.
Suppose I"d better go unlock the back door.
Suppose I"d better go unlock the back door.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic bliss had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
Well it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the woman.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my mule stumbled. My husband quietly said, "that"s once".
We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more he said quietly, "that�s twice".
We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
He promptly removed a gun from his pocket and shot the mule.
Well, of course, I started to protest over his treatment of the mule.
He looked at me and quietly said, "that's once"..."
Their domestic bliss had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
Well it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the woman.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my mule stumbled. My husband quietly said, "that"s once".
We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more he said quietly, "that�s twice".
We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
He promptly removed a gun from his pocket and shot the mule.
Well, of course, I started to protest over his treatment of the mule.
He looked at me and quietly said, "that's once"..."
Would you shag a Russian?
Would you leave your wife and four kids for one?
Would you do all that for a girl 43 years younger than you?
Ronnie Wood.
Would you leave your wife and four kids for one?
Would you do all that for a girl 43 years younger than you?
Ronnie Wood.
"Push harder!" I shouted to my wife whilst she was in labour. "**** off you bastard!" She screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my bloody fault the car broke down on the way to the Hospital!
Bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my bloody fault the car broke down on the way to the Hospital!
I left my phone at home this morning, I've just nipped home at lunchtime to pick it up and my wife had sent me a text at 9:38am saying:
"Hi hun, you've left your phone in the kitchen"
What the feck am I still doing with this woman?
"Hi hun, you've left your phone in the kitchen"
What the feck am I still doing with this woman?
Halal meat - how you greet your friends if you live in Newcastle.
I just got asked the time by an DHL delivery driver.
So I told the ba*tard it was between 8am and 1pm!
So I told the ba*tard it was between 8am and 1pm!
This girl was riding in a car with her boyfriend. She got bored and said "Every time you speed up 5MPH I"ll take some clothes off."
Well, this went on for about 15 minutes until she was naked and he was going about 95MPH.
They lost control of the car and crashed into a tree.The guy was hurt pretty badly and his car door was crushed to the point where he couldn"t open it.
His naked girlfriend was fine and could get out of the car. So, she took her boyfriend"s shoe and put it in front of her beaver and covered her chest with her arm.
She flagged down a car.
Without thinking she said "HELP MY BOYFRIEND IS STUCK AND HE CAN"T GET OUT!!"
The guy in the car looked at the shoe on her crotch and his eyes got really big.
He said "If he is that far in, he"s not coming out!"
Well, this went on for about 15 minutes until she was naked and he was going about 95MPH.
They lost control of the car and crashed into a tree.The guy was hurt pretty badly and his car door was crushed to the point where he couldn"t open it.
His naked girlfriend was fine and could get out of the car. So, she took her boyfriend"s shoe and put it in front of her beaver and covered her chest with her arm.
She flagged down a car.
Without thinking she said "HELP MY BOYFRIEND IS STUCK AND HE CAN"T GET OUT!!"
The guy in the car looked at the shoe on her crotch and his eyes got really big.
He said "If he is that far in, he"s not coming out!"
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub
on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick took
a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat
... and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother ...
"Grandma he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across
the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled eyes and said, "Because
ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in
December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya blinking idiot!"
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub
on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick took
a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat
... and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother ...
"Grandma he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across
the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled eyes and said, "Because
ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in
December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya blinking idiot!"