Some Scousers in Liverpool are moaning that there are not enough Scousers on the telly.
The BBC agreed and will now be showing CrimeWatch 3 times a week.
The BBC agreed and will now be showing CrimeWatch 3 times a week.
Off Topic Jokes thread
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Delivery man on the M5 breaks down so he flags down Paddy. He says to him, "I've got six monkeys in the back. I'll give you £100 if you'll take them to Bristol Zoo for me." Paddy agrees. Two hours later he sees Paddy driving the opposite way with the monkeys still in the back! He flags him down and shouts across, "I thought I told you to take them to the Zoo?" Paddy says, "I did, but I had £30 left over, so I'm taking them to the Cinema now."
I hate getting old. I was at a lap-dancing club last night and as I tucked a tenner into her underwear she whispered, "Come upstairs with me and I'll give you super sex."
"Thanks," I said. "I'll have the soup."
"Thanks," I said. "I'll have the soup."
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing family.
Englishman says, "My son was born on St.George"s Day so I called him George!"
"What a coincidence!" says the Scotsman, "My son was born on St.Andrews Day so I called him Andrew!"
"Jaysus!" says the Irishman, "That"s fu*king amazing!, wait "til I go home and tell our Pancake!!!
Englishman says, "My son was born on St.George"s Day so I called him George!"
"What a coincidence!" says the Scotsman, "My son was born on St.Andrews Day so I called him Andrew!"
"Jaysus!" says the Irishman, "That"s fu*king amazing!, wait "til I go home and tell our Pancake!!!
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Oh, the irony......
Bloke goes to the doctors complainig of severe stomach pains. After about 10 minutes questioning about drinking habits, smoking, diet etc the doctor says " ok Mr. Thompson if you can drop your trousers I think I need to have an internal investigation "
The doctor puts the latex gloves on, has a prod around and removes a £5 note from the blokes arse. After 2 hours removing fivers the doctor the doctor says " Mr Thompson I have removed £1, 995 00 from your rectum is there anything you'd like to tell me ?"
The bloke says " I told you I didn't feel too grand "
The doctor puts the latex gloves on, has a prod around and removes a £5 note from the blokes arse. After 2 hours removing fivers the doctor the doctor says " Mr Thompson I have removed £1, 995 00 from your rectum is there anything you'd like to tell me ?"
The bloke says " I told you I didn't feel too grand "
Me and my girlfriend had sex in my car last night and it was pretty uncomfortable.
I wish we'd dropped her parents off first.
I wish we'd dropped her parents off first.
A man at the timber yard accidentally shears off his fingers.
He runs to the hospital, where the Doctor says, "give me the fingers and I"ll see what I can do."
The man replies, "I haven"t got the fingers."
The Doctor says, "what do you mean, you haven"t got the fingers? We could have done microsurgery.
I could have sewn them back on. Why on Earth didn"t you bring the fingers?"
The man replies, "I couldn"t fu*king pick them up!"
He runs to the hospital, where the Doctor says, "give me the fingers and I"ll see what I can do."
The man replies, "I haven"t got the fingers."
The Doctor says, "what do you mean, you haven"t got the fingers? We could have done microsurgery.
I could have sewn them back on. Why on Earth didn"t you bring the fingers?"
The man replies, "I couldn"t fu*king pick them up!"
I once worked as a comedian at the local Alzheimer"s society club, they liked my first joke so much I told it again and again and again.
In fact I told it 26 times.
After the show, this old bloke said to me,
"I don"t know how you remember them all!"
In fact I told it 26 times.
After the show, this old bloke said to me,
"I don"t know how you remember them all!"
Adam Johnson may resume his football career when he gets out of prison.
Just as long as he's not in defence. After 6 years inside, he won't be very tight at the back....
Just as long as he's not in defence. After 6 years inside, he won't be very tight at the back....
2 Irishmen working in a field, Paddy is digging holes, Mick is filling them in. After 9 holes a woman walking by asks, "Why are you digging a hole and the other lad is filling it in?"
Paddy replies, "There's normally 3 of us, but the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick today."
Paddy replies, "There's normally 3 of us, but the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick today."
I brought some of these flavoured condoms the other day.
Said to my wife "Lets have a game, I put one on and you try to guess what favour it is"
She closed her eyes went under the blanket and said " cheese and onion flavour"
I said " Bloody Hell give me time to put one on"
Said to my wife "Lets have a game, I put one on and you try to guess what favour it is"
She closed her eyes went under the blanket and said " cheese and onion flavour"
I said " Bloody Hell give me time to put one on"
I still think Formula 1 would be a better spectacle if every driver had to down a pint of Guinness after every lap.