Off Topic Jokes thread

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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They"re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his rear off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says:
"Make them all ugly again."
 
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"I am a single man (30) seeking a life-partner to share my soul with.
I am sensitive, caring and have a deeply loving nature.
If you wish to give me your heart, I will give you mine and know that, held within your gentle hands, it will be safe for ever.
No fat birds."
 
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Paddy goes into work one Monday and says to his workmates, "My brother dropped dead on Saturday, He was only 37, in perfect health, never smoked or drank, worked out everyday, he just dropped dead."

His workmates said, "****ing hell, Paddy, what happened?"

Paddy said, "His parachute didn't open!"
 
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Nicola Sturgeon was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs Sturgeon if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."
"Incorrect", said Nicola, in her best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"
'I'm afraid not', explained Nicola, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Nicola searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Nicola, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"
 
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Slim good looking lad, 18 seeking a bird for fun - Have own motorbike

Medium built young man, 21 seeking young lass for nights in and out - Have own car

Well built man, 35 seeks interesting lady for friendship - maybe more - have own flat

Professional man, 55 seeks lady friend for companionship and maybe a second chance at marriage - Have own Detached House

Retire gent, 78 seeks the love of a lady who can take good care of him - Have own teeth!
 
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