I got thrown out of our local RSPCA meeting the other week, we went in to a small room and all I said was, "there isn't enough room to swing a cat in here."
Off Topic Jokes thread
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Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at the Etihad Stadium?
Because it's the only place in the world with no atmosphere.
Because it's the only place in the world with no atmosphere.
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?"
The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you."
So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope."
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."
The man"s face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!"
But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter.
The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head,
"How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"
The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you."
So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope."
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."
The man"s face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!"
But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter.
The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head,
"How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"
It was so cold this morning I actually saw a solicitor with his hands in his own pockets!
A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster Tails for a quid on the menu.
He asks the waiter: "What"s wrong with them?" Waiter says: "Nothing, freshly caught today." So the man orders some,
The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says: "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster
He asks the waiter: "What"s wrong with them?" Waiter says: "Nothing, freshly caught today." So the man orders some,
The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says: "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster
It's always exciting getting a Valentines Day Card shoved through your door, no stamp, just your name on the envelope.
Except, when you're in prison...
Except, when you're in prison...
My eleven year old son came home from school yesterday, all embarrassed, and told me they had done "Sex Education" in class.
Later, I went into his bedroom to find him humping away on next doors ten-year-old daughter.
As you can imagine, I went mad!
"What the hell do you think you"re doing?" I screamed.
He looked at me and said, "erm.......homework?"
Later, I went into his bedroom to find him humping away on next doors ten-year-old daughter.
As you can imagine, I went mad!
"What the hell do you think you"re doing?" I screamed.
He looked at me and said, "erm.......homework?"
I was walking through the streets of Thailand when a small girl asked if I wanted sex with her.
"No, thank you," I said. "You"re far too young."
"How do you know my name?" she asked.
"No, thank you," I said. "You"re far too young."
"How do you know my name?" she asked.
After telling his wife he was working late at the office, a man took his secretary to a hotel room and had wild sex with her.
But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic.
What would he tell his wife?
Walking in the door he was greeted by his excited dog.
In a moment of inspiration he dropped to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.
Holding his neck with one hand he went into the living room and Exclaimed. "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said,
"That"s nothing, look what he did to my tits!"
But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic.
What would he tell his wife?
Walking in the door he was greeted by his excited dog.
In a moment of inspiration he dropped to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.
Holding his neck with one hand he went into the living room and Exclaimed. "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said,
"That"s nothing, look what he did to my tits!"
I went to see an escort last night. She advertised a real girlfriend experience. When I got there she opened the door and said, "You're late, I bet you've been down the pub."
We didn't speak for the rest of the night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa.
We didn't speak for the rest of the night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa.
Scientists proved there is a link between heading a ball and Alzheimer’s, after Liverpool players couldn’t remember the last time they won something.....
I went into the library and asked if they had a book called, "How to spot a lady-boy." He said, "I'm sure we do, it's probably tucked away somewhere."
I said, "That's the one."
I said, "That's the one."
Man walks into a shop in Liverpool
Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?
Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?
Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?
Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?
An insect falls into a mug of beer
Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out
American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer
Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away
Indian : Sells the beer to the American, the insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself
Pakistani : Accuses the Indian of putting the insect in his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and gets a loan from the American to buy another beer.
The Paki then moves to England and claims benefits.
Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out
American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer
Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away
Indian : Sells the beer to the American, the insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself
Pakistani : Accuses the Indian of putting the insect in his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and gets a loan from the American to buy another beer.
The Paki then moves to England and claims benefits.
I see the government has announced they"re gonna put warnings on ciggies and alcohol in picture form...
The ***s are gonna have pictures of cancerous lungs,
and the beer"s gonna have pictures of fat birds.
The ***s are gonna have pictures of cancerous lungs,
and the beer"s gonna have pictures of fat birds.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
It's Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow.
I'm already dreading it.....
I'm already dreading it.....