Off Topic Jokes thread
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How do we know God is a man?
Because if God was a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!
Because if God was a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!
Cristiano Ronaldo was bowled over by his player of the year award.
Even though slow-motion replays showed that it clearly never touched him.
Even though slow-motion replays showed that it clearly never touched him.
Why do blonde girls have bruises around their belly buttons?
Blonde guys ain"t that smart, either!
Blonde guys ain"t that smart, either!
David Beckham is in training with Ryan Giggs.
They are both joking and messing about when a furious Alex Ferguson comes up to them to give them a piece of his mind.
"Lads, after todays performance you two can stay behind for extra training."Beckham and Giggs are gutted and then wait for the end of the session.
Ferguson and the boys go home and it"s just the two of them."Let"s just go home," says Giggsy, "who will know?"
So they both go home to their respective houses.
Beckham goes upstairs to hear passionate moaning and screaming coming from the bedroom.
Becks goes to investigate and puts his head round the door to see Fergie pumping away at Victoria and is horrified.
The next day in training Beckham and Giggs are ****ing around when Fergie tells them both to stay behind again.
Giggs turns to Beckham and says, "Let"s just go home early again."
"Fcuk you," replies Beckham, "I nearly got caught yesterday."
They are both joking and messing about when a furious Alex Ferguson comes up to them to give them a piece of his mind.
"Lads, after todays performance you two can stay behind for extra training."Beckham and Giggs are gutted and then wait for the end of the session.
Ferguson and the boys go home and it"s just the two of them."Let"s just go home," says Giggsy, "who will know?"
So they both go home to their respective houses.
Beckham goes upstairs to hear passionate moaning and screaming coming from the bedroom.
Becks goes to investigate and puts his head round the door to see Fergie pumping away at Victoria and is horrified.
The next day in training Beckham and Giggs are ****ing around when Fergie tells them both to stay behind again.
Giggs turns to Beckham and says, "Let"s just go home early again."
"Fcuk you," replies Beckham, "I nearly got caught yesterday."
Israel are considering pulling out of the Beijing Olympics due to the smoggy air conditions.
The Chinese government says "it"s just harmless mist".
An Israeli spokesman says " we are not falling for that one again.
The Chinese government says "it"s just harmless mist".
An Israeli spokesman says " we are not falling for that one again.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says f*ck you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says f*ck you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
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This bloke is pacing up and down at home while his wife is in hospital giving birth. The phone rings and the bloke answers."This is the hospital, sir, your wife has given birth to twins. However, there are more on the way."
The bloke puts the phone down and takes a large swig of vodka. The phone rings again. "This is the hospital, your wife has had another little boy, and there are still more on the way."The bloke drinks the whole bottle of vodka - by now he is totally wan*ered. He picks up the phone to ring the hospital to find out if she"s had any more babies but, by mistake, he rings Lords cricket ground.
When the phone is answered, he asks, "what"s the latest?"And the person on the line says, "97 all out, and the last one was a duck!"
The bloke puts the phone down and takes a large swig of vodka. The phone rings again. "This is the hospital, your wife has had another little boy, and there are still more on the way."The bloke drinks the whole bottle of vodka - by now he is totally wan*ered. He picks up the phone to ring the hospital to find out if she"s had any more babies but, by mistake, he rings Lords cricket ground.
When the phone is answered, he asks, "what"s the latest?"And the person on the line says, "97 all out, and the last one was a duck!"
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive then you should try swimming with sharks.
Cost me a bloody arm and a leg.
Cost me a bloody arm and a leg.
I can't believe it, 7 weeks until Pancake Day, and the shops are already selling flour and eggs !!
Once there was this really scummy bloke travelling on a bus, when a nun got on and sat right in front of him.
She was quite good looking, so he leaned over to her and said, "I really want to fcuk you in the arse!"
She went bright red, and got off at the next stop.
When the bloke was getting off the bus, the driver said, "hey, mate, I noticed the nun got off a couple of stops early, what did you say to her?"
The bloke replied, "oh, I just told her I wanted to fcuk her in the arse."
The driver thought for a minute, then said, "well, if you"re still interested, I happen to know she walks through the park down the road there every night at about six o"clock."
The bloke thanked the driver for the info then went on his way.When he got home, he thought to himself, "she"ll never **** a scumbag like me."
So he got dressed up as Jesus.That evening, he was hiding in the bushes when the nun came wandering through the park.
He leapt out and cried, "g"day. I"m Jesus, and I want to fcuk you in the arse!"
The nun replied, "well, seeing as how you"re Jesus, I suppose you"d better."
So the bloke got his cock out, and proceeded to fcuk the nun up the arse.
But after he"d finished, he was feeling a bit guilty. So he said, "actually, love, I"m not really Jesus, I"m that rude bloke off the bus earlier."
The nun replied, "that"s okay, I"m not really the nun, I"m the bus driver!"
She was quite good looking, so he leaned over to her and said, "I really want to fcuk you in the arse!"
She went bright red, and got off at the next stop.
When the bloke was getting off the bus, the driver said, "hey, mate, I noticed the nun got off a couple of stops early, what did you say to her?"
The bloke replied, "oh, I just told her I wanted to fcuk her in the arse."
The driver thought for a minute, then said, "well, if you"re still interested, I happen to know she walks through the park down the road there every night at about six o"clock."
The bloke thanked the driver for the info then went on his way.When he got home, he thought to himself, "she"ll never **** a scumbag like me."
So he got dressed up as Jesus.That evening, he was hiding in the bushes when the nun came wandering through the park.
He leapt out and cried, "g"day. I"m Jesus, and I want to fcuk you in the arse!"
The nun replied, "well, seeing as how you"re Jesus, I suppose you"d better."
So the bloke got his cock out, and proceeded to fcuk the nun up the arse.
But after he"d finished, he was feeling a bit guilty. So he said, "actually, love, I"m not really Jesus, I"m that rude bloke off the bus earlier."
The nun replied, "that"s okay, I"m not really the nun, I"m the bus driver!"
A priest, a *****phile and a homosexual walk into a bar...
He orders a drink.
He orders a drink.
Why are there so many beautiful women in Scandinavia?
Because the vikings left all the ugly fcukers in Scotland.
Because the vikings left all the ugly fcukers in Scotland.
A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said "My husband wants me to ask you..." to which the doctor replies "I know... I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy".
"No, that's not it" the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn".
"No, that's not it" the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn".
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself".
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?"
The man answered "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?"
The man answered "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong.
She replies, "I know who the father is for one of them, but I don't know who the father is for the other one!"
She replies, "I know who the father is for one of them, but I don't know who the father is for the other one!"
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"
She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"
She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy"s lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don"t mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "Okay. Why don"t you go behind this hedge?"She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God, Mary, have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "I"ve changed my mind, I'm taking a dump instead."
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy"s lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don"t mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "Okay. Why don"t you go behind this hedge?"She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God, Mary, have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "I"ve changed my mind, I'm taking a dump instead."
I"m sure that, like me, you are very proud of our Olympic cycling gold medal winners.
Truly, they are sporting heroes who have done wonders for British sport.
I can"t wait for them to return home, when they will once again become ****ers in Spandex who clog up the roads and get in the way of cars.
Truly, they are sporting heroes who have done wonders for British sport.
I can"t wait for them to return home, when they will once again become ****ers in Spandex who clog up the roads and get in the way of cars.