Off Topic Jokes thread

[antipodean exile]

Did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket; she told the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

Makes perfectly good sense to me.....

 

[antipodean exile]

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When a man comes home after a really difficult day at work, nothing brightens his spirits and makes him feel more appreciated than being met at the door by the smiling face of the woman he loves with an ice cold beer in her hand.

 

[Wooperts_duck]

Manchester police stopped 100 Liverpool fans with flares outside Old Trafford this morning.

Turned out they were the same flares they were wearing the last time they won the League.......

 

[Wooperts_duck]

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[Wooperts_duck]

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis!"

I replied, "That's 15 love!"

 

[Wooperts_duck]

My wife wants to divorce me on the grounds of impotence.

But I said it wouldn’t stand up in court.....

 

[Wooperts_duck]

We went to see a spiritual healer last night ......

What a load of rubbish, even the guy in the wheelchair got up and walked out!

 

[Wooperts_duck]

I used to date a dyslexic woman.

I took her home and she ended up cooking my sock.

 

[antipodean exile]

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[antipodean exile]

Well, That’s Reassuring

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[antipodean exile]

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[antipodean exile]

The mother-in-law came round last week.
It was absolutely pouring down.
So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said,
'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

 

[antipodean exile]

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary.
We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

 

[antipodean exile]

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty.
And as I looked at all this I thought...
I must put a roof on this toilet.

 

[antipodean exile]

I went to the doctor last week.
I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?'
He said: 'Why?'
I said: 'She's woke up.'

 

[antipodean exile]

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said:
'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

 

[Wooperts_duck]

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[Wooperts_duck]

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[Wooperts_duck]

Do the French eat snails because they don't like fast food?

 

[Wooperts_duck]

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