Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
- Start date
- Two women knocked at my door & asked what bread I ate.
- When I said "White" they lectured me on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
- Fcuking Yer"Hovis Witnesses.
- When I was naughty at school, the headmaster used to give me "six of the best".
- Now I"m grown up I bet I could take the other 2 inches.
New
A bloke went on Stars in their eyes. Mathew Kelly said, "welcome to the show Simon. I hear you are very lucky to be with us tonight. Please tell the audience what happened" Well Matthew, I was in a terrible accident with my uncle and sadly he was killed. I lost my right arm and my right leg but they found that my uncles leg and arm were completely compatible with mine so they grafted them on to my body and here I am Mathew. Perfectly well. Mathew Kelly said, That's absolutely wonderful news isn't it ladies and gentlemen. So tell us Simon, who are you going to be tonight and he replied, Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be Simon and half uncle.
A bloke went on Stars in their eyes. Mathew Kelly said, "welcome to the show Simon. I hear you are very lucky to be with us tonight. Please tell the audience what happened" Well Matthew, I was in a terrible accident with my uncle and sadly he was killed. I lost my right arm and my right leg but they found that my uncles leg and arm were completely compatible with mine so they grafted them on to my body and here I am Mathew. Perfectly well. Mathew Kelly said, That's absolutely wonderful news isn't it ladies and gentlemen. So tell us Simon, who are you going to be tonight and he replied, Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be Simon and half uncle.
- I used to work for the Samaritans - not a great success - five people rang up, and they all ended up committing suicide.
- It gets worse - two of them were wrong numbers.
- A young man from the city goes to visit his farmer uncle.
- For the first few days, the uncle shows him the usual things; chickens, cows, crops, etc. however, it"s obvious the nephew is getting bored so the uncle suggests he goes on a hunt.
- "Why don"t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"
- This cheers up the nephew and off he goes with the dogs in trail.
- After a few hours, the nephew returns
- "Did you enjoy it?" asks the uncle
- "It was great! got any more dogs?"
My friend ordered a new TV in readiness for next year’s Premier League, sad news for him that it came with no Leeds.....