Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas. 1. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 2. Smother the butter all over the breasts! 3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 4. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 5. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 6. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 7. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 8. You still have a little bit on your chin. 9. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 10. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
My neighbour has always got to go one better. How many Christmas trees does he need for f*ck sake? please log in to view this image
Little Bobby says to his dad " Do you and mummy keep birds in your bedroom?", Daddy says "No, What do you mean?", and bobby says "Well, last night i was passing by your room, and i heard you say to mummy "Do you wanna swallow , or should i let it fly?"
Anyone having problems on O2 with the network ? They have a new tariff which might help you in this situation. Unlimited smoke signals, unlimited messages in a bottle and 500 carrier pigeons.
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonald's’.
