Me and the missus' favourite sexual position is called ''Liverpool in Europe''. Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there, there's no passion, no communication, and we never make it past the first stage, there's horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet. It's over far too quickly and when it does end I know it'll be at least another f*cking year before it happens again!
A local snooker player died last week. His funeral was yesterday. Buried in front of him are a Pakistani, an African and a Jap. His wife moaned, "it"s totally unfair, he"s completely snookered behind the black, brown and yellow!!"
I was talking to my wife the other day about reincarnation. She asked "what actually is reincarnation?" I said to her, "well, its when you die and come back as something completely different." "So, I could come back as a pig?!" she exclaimed I said, "you"re not listening are you.....?"
My boss said to me “Why do you come out in a rash when l pay you your wages?” I said “It’s because I’m allergic to peanuts.”
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course you may. What can I do for you?" "Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."
