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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #8281
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 1, 2018
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #8282
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 1, 2018
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  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • I see that the Spanish are doing cheap flights to the Canary Islands, but I just can"t see them taking off.
     
    #8283
    antipodean exile, Dec 2, 2018
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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • I know a vampire who collects mirrors.
    • I don"t know what he sees in them, to be honest!
     
    #8284
    antipodean exile, Dec 2, 2018
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #8285
    antipodean exile, Dec 2, 2018
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #8286
    antipodean exile, Dec 2, 2018
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #8287
    antipodean exile, Dec 2, 2018
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #8288
    antipodean exile, Dec 2, 2018
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #8289
    antipodean exile, Dec 2, 2018
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #8290
    antipodean exile, Dec 2, 2018
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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #8291
    antipodean exile, Dec 2, 2018
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #8292
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 2, 2018
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #8293
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 2, 2018
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #8294
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 2, 2018
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Magic Penis

    A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip abroad, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.
    He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except, perhaps... The Magic Penis!'
    The husband said, 'The what'?
    The salesman repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be a very ordinary dildo.
    The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
    The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'
    The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the shop door and started pounding away at the keyhole.
    The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the center.
    Then the salesman said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
    The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
    After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'
    The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was firmly stuck.
    Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
    On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
    A police traffic car was close by and the officer immediately pulled her over.
    He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
    Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me rigid.'
    The officer glared at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my ass'

    The rest, as they say, is history!.......
     
    #8295
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 2, 2018
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Haven't had a shag for 3 months so I went out for a jog in my flip flops to remind myself what it sounded like.
     
    #8296
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 2, 2018
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man was arrested yesterday after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it.

    He’s due to he bailed tomorrow....
     
    #8297
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 2, 2018
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #8298
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 2, 2018
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #8299
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 2, 2018
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man has been shot with a starter pistol.

    Police thinks it’s race related....
     
    #8300
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 2, 2018
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