I think as marriages go, we’re doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day! Nearly on Monday Nearly on Tuesday Nearly on Wednesday Nearly on Thursday Nearly on Friday Nearly on Saturday Nearly on Sunday
I went to Tesco to get 6 cans of Sprite. It was only when I got home that I realised I’d picked seven up
Stevie Wonder is on tour when he turns to one of his roadies and says, "My harmonica isn't working." "What harmonica?" he replies, "You've just sucked the chocolate off the side of my crunchie."
"I"ve got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says. "What"s the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you"ve only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken back, "What"s the good news then Doctor?". The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient nods his head and the doctor replies, "I"m shagging her."
I was banging one out over a porno mag this morning when my mum caught me and started slapping me around the head. The newsagent wasn"t happy either.
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON"T SAY My tyre was thumping.I thought it was flat.When I looked at the tyre...I noticed your cat. Sorry!Heard your wife left you,How upset you must be.But don"t fret about it...She moved in with me. Looking back over the years that we"ve been together,I can"t help but wonder..."What the hell was I thinking?" How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby? I"ve always wanted to have someone to hold,someone to love.After having met you...I"ve changed my mind. I must admit you brought Religion into my life.I never believed in Hell until I met you. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...That you"re not here to ruin it for me. Congratulations on your promotion.Before you go...Would you like to take this knife out of my back?You"ll probably need it again. When we were together,you always said you"d die for me.Now that we"ve broken up,I think it"s time you kept your promise! I"m so miserable without you ...it"s almost like you"re here. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? So your daughter"s a hooker,and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side,it"s really good pay
