Off Topic Jokes thread
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Elvis Presley’s coffin was made of Redwood and took 2 weeks to make.
Michael Jackson’s was made of Oak and took a week to make.
Gene Pitney’s?...... 24 hours from Balsa...
Michael Jackson’s was made of Oak and took a week to make.
Gene Pitney’s?...... 24 hours from Balsa...
Lying in a hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed, leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"
The man nodded to the affirmative and the priest handed him a pad and pen.
The priest said, "I know you can't speak, but write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."
Gathering his last bit of strength, the man scrawled his message on the pad and stuffed it into the priest's hands.
Moments later, the man died.
After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note.
"Here are your husband's last words. He wrote them just for you."
The wife tearfully opened the note which read: "Get off of my oxygen hose!!"
The man nodded to the affirmative and the priest handed him a pad and pen.
The priest said, "I know you can't speak, but write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."
Gathering his last bit of strength, the man scrawled his message on the pad and stuffed it into the priest's hands.
Moments later, the man died.
After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note.
"Here are your husband's last words. He wrote them just for you."
The wife tearfully opened the note which read: "Get off of my oxygen hose!!"
- Saw an article in a woman"s magazine titled "All Men Are Liars".
- Which was strange because it was right next to an advert for Wonderbra.
- A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
- They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy"s lustful desire rises to a peak.
- He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don"t mind but I really do need to pee."
- Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "Okay. Why don"t you go behind this hedge?"
- She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
- As he waits, he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
- Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
- He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
- He shouts in horror, "My God, Mary, have you changed your sex?"
- "No," she replies. "I"ve changed my mind, I"m taking a dump instead."
- Women eh!
- Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise but they won"t take it up the a*se cause it "hurts".
Spare a thought for poor old Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."