Off Topic Jokes thread

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  • Two guys sitting in the office chatting when this girl passes them going to the toilet.
  • Bob says, "I think she"s nice."
  • Bob"s mate: "well, nip over and give her the patter."
  • Bob: "the patter?"
  • Bob"s mate: "aye, the patter."
  • Bob: "I don"t know any patter, I"ve never found it easy to talk to girls."
  • "For crying out loud," says Bob"s Mate, "it"s easy - all you have to say is, "hello" and she will say, "hello."
  • Then say, "it"s a nice day, isn"t it?""Then she will say, "Yes it is"
  • Then you say, "but not half as nice as you!"
  • Then she will say, "Oh thank you."Then the patter will just flow."
  • Bob"s Mate says, "look there she coming back out of the toilet, go and give it a go."
  • So, nervously, off he goes, re-running the patter in his head.
  • He walks up and says, "Hello."
  • She says, "Hello."
  • He says, "It"s a nice day, isn"t it?"
  • She says, "Yes it is."
  • He says, "but not half as nice as you."
  • She says, "Oh thank you."Few seconds of uneasy silence..............................
  • Then he says........................................
  • "Been for a sh*t, then?"
 
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So there I was sat in my van. I had kept the house under surveillance for about an hour. Then there was movement at the front door. I hunched down as much as I could in the van so the woman wouldn’t see me. As she walked up the road and turned the corner I slowly, carefully exited the van. I crossed the road, nervously, aware that at any time someone could notice me or the woman from the house could come back. I launched myself over the garden wall and fell to the ground. My heart was beating in anticipation of someone shouting out to me. I crawled slowly to the door. Once there I looked around once more to check my surroundings. Then I lifted the letterbox slowly and quietly. Once my work was done, I slowly closed the letter box aware that any sound might disturb someone and make them come to the door. I then jumped up and ran for my life, jumped into the van and drove off at speed away from the scene. And another ‘Sorry you were out’ card is successfully delivered......... Proud to be Royal Mail.
 
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