Off Topic Jokes thread
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A teacher trying to teach good manners asked one of her students the following question:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."
"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."
"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
A couple desperate to have a baby went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "Next week I am going to Rome and while I am there I will light a candle for you," he replied.
Three years later the priest returned to his parish and went to the young couple's house to visit. He found the wife to be pregnant and busy attending to two sets of twins. The priest felt very elated and asked the girl where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He has gone away for a while," came the harried reply.
"Where has he gone?" asked the priest.
She replied," To Rome, to blow the damn candle out!"
Three years later the priest returned to his parish and went to the young couple's house to visit. He found the wife to be pregnant and busy attending to two sets of twins. The priest felt very elated and asked the girl where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He has gone away for a while," came the harried reply.
"Where has he gone?" asked the priest.
She replied," To Rome, to blow the damn candle out!"
A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify. She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?" A little girl raised her hand. "Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?" "It's a cow, teacher." "Very good, Janie," said the teacher. Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?"
Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Ooh, ooh!, I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"
Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Ooh, ooh!, I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"
A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding. She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding." The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say? The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license." The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town. The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there. The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He says he knows you."
Can't believe that ISIS are now putting bombs into tins of alphabet spaghetti....... security chiefs say that if one goes off it could spell disaster
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die' !!
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die' !!
Doctors have told me I only have 6 months to live, 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Even Ronaldo needs a hero.....
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Finally, the 2018 edition of "Understanding Women" has been released. Vol. 2 follows shortly.
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- A policeman from near Clapham Junction,
- Had a penis that just wouldn"t function,
- For the rest of his life, he misled his wife,
- With a dollop of snot on his truncheon
- Teacher asks the kids in her class what their fathers did for a living.
- "Mary, what does your dad do?"
- "He"s a doctor, miss."
- "Joe, what does your dad do?"
- "He"s a pilot, miss."
- "Billy, what"s your dad do?"
- "My dad"s dead, miss."
- "Oh Billy, I"m so sorry............what did he do before he died?"
- "He turned purple, farted and fell on the dog, miss."
- Dave comes home from work early one day.
- He walks in to the kitchen and sees his wife on her knees, scrubbing the floor.
- He watches the rhythmic movements of her bum stuck high in the air for a few seconds, before he can"t take it any more.
- Without a word, he lifts up her skirt, slides in and gives her the pounding of her life until they both orgasm loudly.
- Then he zips himself up, gets to his feet and kicks her up the arse as hard as he can.
- "What the f*ck was that for?!" she screams at him.
- "That was for not turning round to see who it was." he replies.
- When I first took her out, she looked at me, giggled and smiled.
- When I asked her to dance, she looked at me, giggled and smiled.
- When we first made love, she looked at me, giggled and smiled.
- When I asked her to marry me, she looked at me, giggled and smiled.
- When I asked her if she enjoyed our first wedding anniversary celebrations, she looked at me, giggled and smiled.
- That"s when it finally dawned on me that she was mentally handicapped.