- The Judge looked at the jury in disbelief,
- "How could you possibly find this man not guilty"? he asked
- "Insanity your honour"
- "What......all f*cking 12 of you"?
Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
- Start date
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- Why did the chav marry the toilet instead of a chavette?
- Because the hole was smaller and it smelt better.
- An old man was in hospital.
- Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear
- "Give us a kiss, luv!"
- "No!", replied the nurse
- "Oh go on!", said the man
- "No!", replied the nurse again
- "Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"
- "For the last time, no!", said the nurse,
- "I shouldn"t even be w*nking you off!"
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite,"
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite,"
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!
Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St. Andrews for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do? The 3 of them decide to go without Jack.
Two days later, the three get to St. Andrews and, to their surprise, Jack is sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night," says Jack. "Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. It turns out she's been reading '50 Shades of Grey'.
So on the bed she has handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So....... Here I am!
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do? The 3 of them decide to go without Jack.
Two days later, the three get to St. Andrews and, to their surprise, Jack is sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night," says Jack. "Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. It turns out she's been reading '50 Shades of Grey'.
So on the bed she has handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So....... Here I am!
I’ve finally opened
The last door on my
Diane Abbot advent calendar.
The last door on my
Diane Abbot advent calendar.