Off Topic Jokes thread

I made soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere...

It was a broth of fresh air.

 

I accidentally spilled invisible ink all over myself.

Now I'm at the hospital waiting to be seen.......

 

Panty Liners.

Worst cruise I've ever been on..

 

I accidently paid for my groceries with my library card.

My macaroni and cheese is due back next Monday.

 

I'm no good at DIY so I employed a handyman.

I gave him a list of jobs to do from 1 to 10 but he only did numbers 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.

Turns out he only does odd jobs.

 

Someone’s just rang me sneezed and hung up.

I hate them cold callers

 

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?’

'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.

When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'

The landlord nodded and said, well if you’ve gone that far you may as well finish